Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll make a sound investment next year when you purchase a $30,000 individual ticket to the Met Gala so you can wear a green catsuit with “Where Da Gold At?” written on the butt. Your significant other will leave you and your kids will be embarrassed, but it’ll be totally worth it.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After receiving several wrong-number calls in a row at your office, you’ll decide to unplug the phone and throw it in the communal dishwasher for safekeeping. When it becomes apparent that someone ran a load while the telecommunication device was in there, you’ll owe the company a new multi-line phone.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll get laughed out of a “Community Conversation” on the new I-10 bridge when you suggest building the structure with carbon nanotubes. You were told the substance was strong enough to launch people into space by way of an elevator, so surely they will be able to withstand a piddly hurricane in the future. You, however, forgot to research the cost of such an endeavor.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be enraged when the new businessman in town uses his clout from national acclaim to convince local contractors to forget about fixing the hole in the roof of your home and begin building a mansion for him instead. You’ll be super upset until you meet the nice man and he invites you to lunch on his dime. It’s always amazing how that happens.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Your neighbor bought a boat, so you bought a boat. Your neighbor joined the country club, and even though you don’t like golf, you did as well. Your neighbor added a deck off of his back patio, so you had the same contractor add a deck to your home as well. Your neighbor will join a skydiving club and you’ll decide trying to keep up with the Joneses wasn’t the way to live your life. Good for you.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You are so dang tired of all the robocalls you are getting on your cell phone, you can’t stand it. Instead of adhering to a rule you set for yourself of not answering any calls in which the name of the caller doesn’t appear on the phone’s screen, you tell yourself it may be important and answer. After calls for pills to correct erectile dysfunction, callers telling you they represent the IRS and you are about to be arrested if you don’t pay $2,500 immediately, and ads for timeshare property, you throw the phone against the wall. It’s dramatic to be sure, but you decided you have finally made a solid decision.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Just for fun, you join one of those sites where you can trace your heritage. After plopping down some money and sending them back a DNA sample, you receive word that you are related to Benjamin Franklin. No, not THAT Ben Franklin. The Ben Franklin you are related to was recently arrested in Wyoming for abuse of a vegetable and unlawful possession of a firearm. Here’s guessing you’ll skip the family reunion.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In an effort to spend more time with family you ask your wife if there’s an activity the two of you haven’t done that interests her. She smiles, gives you a big hug and suggests bingo on Monday nights at church. You smile, give her a big hug and ask if there might be something that doesn’t conflict with “Monday Night Football” and that you might actually enjoy. She suggests an activity for you that actually requires only one person, heads to the bedroom and slams the door.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Upon deep reflection, you realize you haven’t read a book in months. In the past, you would read two or three books a month. So you join a book club, order six books and wait for their arrival. Once in your possession, you place them on your bookshelf, admire the look of them alongside the other books in your collection and order their movie adaptations on Netflix. Hey, reading sometimes takes a long time. This, you tell yourself, is faster and basically the same thing.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You decide that at your age, walking is a good and needed exercise to make a part of your daily routine. You consider it boring but you figure if it will keep you healthy, why not? You limit your walking to the neighborhood and off you go. Unfortunately, while gazing at nature and the better homes in the neighborhood, you forget what route you have taken and you get lost. So much for walking. When your spouse finally locates you in the car and takes you home, you get online and order a treadmill.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You are inspired after watching the end of the Jacksonville State-Florida State football game, with JSU winning on a last-second Hail Mary pass play, then celebrating by planting a flag with the team logo at the 50-yard line of FSU’s field. You rush outside, grab the “Yard of the Month” banner awarded to you by the neighborhood association and plant it in the yard next door. You quickly realize it’s not the same thing and the emotion you expected to feel doesn’t materialize.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You are in a quandary. You just passed 1,000 followers on Twitter, but you recognize that roughly 250 of those are from women asking you to join a “fun” website and offering you photos. But hey, you’ve got more than 1,000 followers and at least 250 of them are very photogenic.
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