Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Things will get a little bit too competitive during an upcoming weekend game night with friends. Monopoly and beer are never a good combination, and this time the mixture leads to a shower of red and green plastic buildings after your petition for squatters rights is angrily denied. Unfortunately, switching to Clue won’t help. An argument about how successful murder with a pipe could actually be will result in a flying Professor Plum piece to the face. You just shouldn’t play games.
Gemini (5/21 -6/21) – Beware of a seal in a bowtie. Nothing particularly bad will happen to you involving the fashionable creature; however, a seal in a bowtie does bare a striking resemblance to Wilford Brimley and that dude is creepy. It’s just best to stay away. A trip to the beach will help you dry up from the rain and flooding that drenched the area, but your paleness will blind some Frisbee-throwing brah and the plastic projectile will hit you in the throat.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) – You’ll be in quite a pinch as you realize you’re no Jameis Winston at the local seafood counter. You’ll make your way around an end cap with crab claws in tow, but you’ll be taken by surprise when a strapping young bag boy clotheslines you with an item separator. A circling “10 items or less” sign is the last thing you’ll see prior to the backseat of a dilapidated Mobile Police cruiser. It turns out people at Publix are as ruthless as they are helpful.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – A vacation at the beach will turn bad quickly after setting up your chair on a crab’s den atop the second sand bar. What is initially tickling abruptly becomes pain before you embark on long and pitiful swim back to the shore. Not thinking about it in the moment, you won’t remember you left your Yeti cooler buried in the beach sand until later that night. Facing high tide, you’ll only make it ankle deep in the black water before the same crab mounts a second offensive — this time with friends.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) – After getting weird looks at work, you’ll break down and get a fresh haircut. Tragically, you’ll get the one stylist who really wants to know a lot about you. You’ll think trying to explain your hometown’s geographic location was easy when she moves on to questions about your job. After somehow rambling your way onto the subject of the break room fridge hierarchy, you’ll realize you shouldn’t have to talk. You’re paying her. You’ll ultimately voice that opinion and your hair will still be fugly two weeks from now.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You’ll take the foolish advice of a restaurant menu and decide to “Go Big” just before telling a waitress you’ll have 10 of the habanero wings. After hiding immense pain during the first four wings, you’ll try to secretly eat a napkin without your friends seeing. They of course will see, prompting you to eat a second napkin. Your attempt to convince them “that’s just a thing wing connoisseurs do” will ultimately fall short as you order a milk from the children’s menu after wing six.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – There’s nothing wrong with crashing at a nearby friend’s house if you can’t drive home safely. However, you make the unfortunate mistake of rapping on the wrong door at 2 a.m. After not recognizing the man with a gun at the door, you’ll escape narrowly over a picket fence. A new hobby is on the horizon as you master the art of building “sunken” ships-in-a-bottle. By this time next week, you’ll be showing off countless bottles full of wet papier maché and wood shards.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You’ll find yourself thrust into the renter’s market after you’re told abruptly that you can no longer continue to live at your current domicile. After looking around the neighborhood, you decide you can’t afford any of the rents you’re seeing — so you decide the time is finally right to initiate Plan B. After four days in the woods living off the land, you immediately regret your decision. You’ll have dysentery, sunburns and no food. Plan B has always been a bad plan. You’ve never even been camping.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You will become ill roughly a week before your impending nuptials. The word “impending” is used here in the same way one might think of “Impending doom,” and I’m pretty sure one of the first signs of an evil possession is illness. Exorcise that demon and leave your intended for the cute barista who smiles at you every day over a blueberry scone. I’m almost sure they don’t work on tips. You’ll start to feel better in no time.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – Inspired by attire you saw at last week’s NASCAR race in Talladega, you will decide to wear nothing but a tire to bed during special time with your significant other. You, of course will misjudge just how tricky relations can be with that much rubber around you. You really won’t be able to feel anything and it will be a quite disappointing romantic night. You will get promoted at work, but immediately demoted when you’re caught looking a little too excitedly at a Pirelli website.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – A night out at the local piano bar will go terribly wrong when the man tickling the ivories plays the wrong version of “Wagon Wheel” and you’re blinded by rage. You will get red faced as you explain to the musician how exactly you know he’s playing the Darius Rucker version and not the Old Crow Medicine Show version, even without background instrumentals and at a different tempo. You will get banned from the bar. Worst of all, you’ll have to thumb your way back to North Carolina.
Aries (3/21-4/19) – After watching your first Kentucky Derby this month, you will get the racing itch. Since you’re not a billionaire sheik, or a retired U.S. sports star you’ll never own a racehorse, but that won’t stop you. You will decide to train and enter your dog in races at the local greyhound park; however, you don’t have a greyhound. I’m pretty sure Chalupa your Chihuahua doesn’t have the stamina to finish a race. Give up on your dream and let your weird, hairless, rat-like dog rest.
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