Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — During its visit to GulfQuest, you’ll challenge The Schooner America to a regatta. Sailing technology has changed significantly since 1853, but employing your XXL boxer shorts as a spinnaker will put you over the top.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be a raw oyster connoisseur at The Hangout’s Oyster Cook-Off. But no one will take you seriously as you use phrases like “hint of berries,” “chewy tannins” and “earthy aftertaste” to describe what you just put on a saltine and doused with hot sauce.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll attempt to set a cotton candy-eating world record at the Greater Gulf State Fair. Approximately 32 sticks later you’ll fail, but your consolation prize is a free one-month insulin prescription.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll support local businesses at Downtown Alive Sunday. Unfortunately, you’ll mistaken for an ownerless greyhound at the pop-up dog park and be listed for adoption. At least they didn’t think you were a pug.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll notice a slight difference in your behavior after a week on male birth control, though true to the commercials, you will not be pregnant. After a month though, your doctor will admit he isn’t actually a doctor and that you paid $230 for Advil.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After a full day of destroying ballots for Donald Trump, you’ll return to your pod to reconnect with the master, George Soros, via telepathy. Having done your part to thwart democracy, you’ll take a little vacation before returning in January to help kick implement Sharia Law.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Feeling bad for James Comey, you’ll take donations to send the beleaguered FBI director an edible arrangement. He’ll appreciate those chocolate oranges, and most likely know the card reading, “The whole country hates you” is simply an on-the-nose joke.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Playing off the 2016 Halloween fad, you’ll switch your wardrobe to mimick characters from “Stranger Things.” Eventually, you’ll inform everyone at work you’ll attend the office party as Will Byers, but then never actually show up.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Following a volatile election that somehow saw Jill Stein elected, you’ll pull up a news application that shows scores of parents getting their kids vaccinated before it’s outlawed.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After visiting a successful public zoo in Chicago, you’ll approach the Mobile County Commission about establishing one at the intersection of 10 and 65. They vote “yes,” but then pull out of the deal after only being able to secure a pack of rabid dogs.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ve never been one to produce “bulletin board material” at the office, but you forget that Janice in accounting was a college bowling champion. I’ll spare you the details. It did not go well.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Sure, you’ll have a few scares, but it’ll be worth it when you win a bear wrestling contest at a downtown bar. So, it won’t actually be a bear, but a very weak man who likes to pull hair. Sounds the same.