Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You will forget all about Dianne’s Halloween party until a friend reminds you with only hours to spare. October is a busy month at work and you will just simply forget about her spooktacular evening. Frantic to find a costume to wear, you’ll try to simply put on glasses and go as an IT specialist, but thankfully, you’ll decide that won’t work. Grabbing that cowboy hat you won for eating a 72-ounce steak that one time, you’ll fill a squirt gun with “holy” water and go as the “Texorcist.”
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Nostalgia will kick in high gear when you purchase several cases of the forgotten Coca-Cola product Surge from Amazon. As you chug one of the 20-ounce soft drinks, you will remember from your pre-teen years, before immediately downing the rest of a whole case. You begin to see your own personal “green fairy” hallucinations, something that has been absent since a party in New Orleans. The authorities will find you two days later scaling the walls of the soon-to-be opened (we hope!) GulfQuest maritime museum.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – You will get called to the carpet by your boss next Monday morning after it is discovered that you and some coworkers went on a shopping spree with the company credit card. The boss won’t be too mad because all of the purchases were made at a Dollar Tree and the money can be easily refunded. The boss man said he would’ve let your purchase of a box of erasers slide as a business expense, if Denise from accounting hadn’t also purchased a bargain version of “The Devils Advocate” on VHS.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – A trip to Sephora is disastrous after a crosseyed saleswoman replaces your eyebrows with Nutter Butters. But trusting her professional experience, you take a selfie and post it to Instagram to get the opinions of your friends. In an attempt to avoid awkwardness they approve, but not before sharing the photo with others behind your back. In no time you’re turned into a meme, with anonymous Internet haters writing crude captions such as “World’s Most Alleged Eyebrows” and “Eye Know, Because Eye Brow.” Nabisco approaches you to endorse a new product – Fig Newton lips.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – Paranoia sets in every time you see an unmarked Ford Crown Victoria. Put on edge after unvetted media reports suggest drivers are being pulled over at an alarming rate by police impersonators, you ready you sidearm for a personal encounter. Speeding to work one day, your heart is pounding as you are indeed pulled over by an unmarked Crown Vic. Thankfully, your shots miss the plain-clothes police officer and vice versa, but the episode should serve as a notice that media sensationalism can have unintended results.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Delighted at a five-year contract extension for the Hangout Festival in Gulf Shores, you feel the condo investment market is looking better than ever. You try to convince friends to enter into a timeshare agreement, but they hesitate over the fine print awarding you exclusive usage rights in the month of May. You try to compensate by forfeiting all the cold-weather holidays, but friends become enemies after you demand the only furnishings should be hammocks and beach towels.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Taking a page from the president of the Mobile County Commission, you apply for all sorts of fun vanity projects to be financed with RESTORE Act money. Sure those funds could be used for environmental remediation or economic development with immediate and proven results, but how else are you supposed to make the Mobile County International Skeet Shooting Center, the Greater Mobile Steam-Powered Circle Railroad and SNOWBILE (an indoor, climate controlled, full scale reproduction of the ski slopes of Aspen, Colorado) a reality?
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You’re not a typical believer in the occult, but you’ve seen some pretty strong evidence lately that Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin is indeed cursed. Hoping to shadow Kiffin for a few weeks while you collect some pseudo-scientific data, you invest in thermal cameras, high-frequency recording equipment and a Ouija board. But you abandon the effort after a dark phantom begins to shadow you, constantly telling you what a loser you are and how you will never be as good as your father.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – An upcoming ankle injury will yield a startling discovery. After tripping down the stairs at work (yes, the same ones you walk up and down everyday), you’ll be forced to an urgent care clinic. The worst part about the whole thing is that you don’t even have an interesting story to tell … until the doctor informs you that you have an “extra bone” in both your feet. Taking this as a sign you may, in fact, be an evolved X-Men with superhuman powers, you’ll quit your day job and become Mobile’s vigilante crime fighter.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – A video of an “extreme” haunted house will begin circulating among your group of friends, and the portrayed gruesome, bondage-like activities will have your curiosity at an all time high. You’ve always secretly been a fan of “50 Shades of Grey,” so this comes as no shock to you. After signing the safety waiver, you’ll enter the house to be violated in any and every way that’s just short of illegal activity. Turns out you’re not the true S&M fan like you thought. Traumatized, you’ll need at least a month’s worth of counseling.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – Determined not to become a victim of the SnapChat nude photo leak crisis “The Snappening,” you’ll purge your smartphone of all your NSFW photos. However, in your haste, you’ll send all of your promiscuous images straight to your photo stream where the images will automatically be pushed to your other synced devices, including work computer. Your coworkers will soon discover your role-playing fetish and use the photos for a sexy 12-month calendar that you’ll never live down. On the bright side, they’ll offer you 2 percent of profits.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – Perusing a photo gallery of a rival’s new office, you are amused by a prominent display of the First Amendment. Thankfully, you think, Congress made no laws prohibiting the publishing of click-bait, so whenever you need lowbrow stories about issues that don’t matter, there will be someone out there with a business model specifically catered to your interests. God Bless America and God Bless capitalism.