Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — Your patience will be tested when a co-worker commits to growing out his hair for “Locks of Love.” While you almost always support a good cause, you become less supportive when it starts to look like you’re sharing a divided cubicle with Howard Hughes. Finally, you’ll lose your control and attack with a pair of shears. Cutting the disheveled hairs abruptly, you’ll watch them float slowly to the ground with a smile. The bad news is, you’ll have to donate a fair amount of back hair to make up for the lost donation.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — You find the new Hangout Festival partnership with the organizers of Coachella and Jazz Fest promising. You resolve to go and have fun as always, because a weekend full of beach and bands in your backyard is still a bargain. Still, you wonder if the Gulf Shores City Council’s new “drug free” requirement exempted some of your favorite acts. All the more confusing is how Zac Brown, a talented musician but also a well-known, big-time European bath salts manufacturer, somehow slipped through the vetting process.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Feeling depressed and deprived after the first-ever college football playoffs, you join Paul Finebaum and other Southern blowhards in a warehouse full of unsold copies of “My Conference Can Beat Your Conference” to plan for the arrogance of next season. Perusing the way-too-early 2015 preseason Top 25, heads explode when the group realizes the SEC only has TWO teams in the Top 10. Clearly, the only resolution is to secede from the union, and as you draw up the borders for the new Confederate States of America, you try to convince your neighbors that as a Kentuckian, even Abraham Lincoln would support this effort.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — The medical community is abuzz after you exhibit the world’s first known case of tooth and ear disease, a condition caused by your refusal to ever remove the bluetooth device from your auditory canal. Reluctant to accept surgery, you argue the hands-free technology makes it easier and more sanitary to handle large volumes of sliced deli meats daily. Not to mention the miracles it does for your productivity. Thankfully, your better half will persuade doctors to proceed, and as you succumb to the influence of anesthesia, you incoherently repeat your trademark phrase, “(Your name here) Out!”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — With Giada off your radar thanks to the John Mayer rumors, you’ll begin to pursue the “Barefoot Contessa.” You’ll be mesmerized by her soft, soothing voice and the perfect crust she can achieve on a chicken pot pie. You’ll fantasize about her field greens and lust after her flaky apple turnovers. You’ll decide to go after your love and you’ll plan a trip to the Hamptons (or New Hampshire, or Vermont, or wherever rich northeasterners live) to convince her to come to Mobile and live out her days with you. You’ll teach her how to make grits. It’ll be a match made in food heaven.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Your ambition to find employment in the first quarter of 2015 will drown in the burning waves of Jim Beam, as you prepare for another Carnival season. You’ll convince yourself that entering the workforce would interfere with your ability to party on the upcoming Fat Tuesday. You’ll also decide to give up the job search for Lent, so you’ll, at least, have an excuse for being a lazy, do nothing, slob. You will promise family and friends that it’ll be a busy April. We will see.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — You’ll leave D.C. without the part, but you’ll gain a new pen pal in Richard Stain, the train janitor. He’ll write to you about the vomit he cleaned up in the dining car and you’ll write back about a local commercial you booked. He will excitedly write to you about switching to lemon Pledge from regular Pledge and you’ll be just as excited to write to him about your five cats and their dietary restrictions. This awkward relationship will continue until Richard gets drunk one night and falls off the train to his death.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Another subpar, straight-to-DVD movie will make its way to the Port City for filming. You’ll read about an upcoming casting call in the most amazing, wonderfully written weekly newspaper around town and determine that this could be your “big break.” After a few days of filming, you’ll have your role as an extra down pat, standing outside of a local bar for hours on end. Just when you feel like you’re the next Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lopez will show up as the lead and all your high hopes will fizzle.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — An unexpected love affair will blossom in the office when your boss hires a dashingly attractive assistant. You’ll soon receive a Facebook friend request from the new employee, and the seemingly innocent move will instigate a more flirtatious conversation via private message. You’ll finally work up the courage to move the chat to a local dive, but after a few Fireball shots in, you’ll embarrass yourself by climbing on the bar, cursing Nick Saban and yelling “That’s two strikes!” over and over again. Let it go. Just let it go.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ll freak out when your significant other requests your attendance at a cat breakfast. You’ll have nightmares of bourgeois felines eating crumpets and sipping tea with the pinky finger of their paws up. But, being the good spouse you are, you’ll bite the bullet and oblige to your lover’s desires. Your coworkers will constantly haunt you with unflattering yet hilarious memes of you and the unfortunate event. Your lucky charm this month is a sardine.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — After a binge watching session on YouTube, you’ll decide that being a jazz piano player is the right move for you. You’ll leave your cushy job in the financial sector to buy a grand piano and a few books. After teaching yourself to play what is arguably the least jazzy sounds imaginable, you’ll decide to take your show on the road. At the risk of seeming uncultured, very pretentious people will feel pressured to like your music — which lends itself to a multi-decade career performing as “Sly Weasleton and the 3rd Street Boys.”
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After hearing news of a convicted murderer’s death sentence, you’ll immediately be overcome with joy. Beyond ecstatic at the news of another human’s government-sanctioned euthanization, you’ll celebrate the only way you know how – by lashing out on Facebook. As a pro-life supporter, you oppose abortions with the fervor you typically reserve for supporting capital punishment, which gives you insight into — among other things — the will of our Lord. That being said, it would be a crime not to share the details of this “Monster’s” impending date with Mephistopheles.
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