Taurus: Stick ’em up!

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In an attempt to make your house visible from Jeff Bezos’ space, you’ll try to put 200,000 Christmas lights on your home in Oakleigh. The Architectural Review Board will get wind of your plans and tell you to cease. You’ll be told you can only put candles on your house.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your good intentions go awry when you visit a local senior citizens facility to sing Christmas carols for the residents and discover they had spiked eggnog prior to your arrival. One gentleman in particular keeps yelling out “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” and “Ice Ice Baby” as song requests.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You decide you want to live in the metaverse because of the endless opportunities for virtual land and goods to appreciate over the short term. You’ll buy up all the virtual beachfront property for pennies on the dollar. However, you never expected them to implement meta-warming and melting glaciers, and in five years you’ll be the proud owner of meta-ocean.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You grow tired of sitting at home and binging on one TV series after another, so you decide to join a local book club. You are excited by the possibility of enlightened discussion. That excitement quickly ends when you discover the first book up for discussion is “The Greatest Sitcoms of All Time.”

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You plan for weeks to surprise your parents in Wisconsin by visiting for the Christmas holiday. You arrive in Green Bay to temperatures of minus 4 degrees only to discover they have decided to celebrate Christmas in the Bahamas. Surprise!

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your bad luck, which has followed you throughout life, continues. After receiving the 87th spam call of the day you shatter your cell phone by throwing it against a wall. Unfortunately, that causes you to miss the call from Publishers Clearing House you have always dreamed of receiving and they go to the next name on the list.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Traditions are a big part of Christmas, but it may be time to toss your particular tradition to the side. Take it from us, your wife no longer wants you to add to her tool collection. That ended last year when she received the chainsaw.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — You are a stern anti-masker and you won’t even wear one at work, which becomes a problem because you are a bank robber and now you’re the only person in the building not wearing a mask and, of course, you are easily identifiable.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Your family Christmas celebration comes to a screeching halt when you are jailed for domestic violence. An argument with your Uncle Ned turns violent when he suggests “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie; you quote a famous line from the film as you whack him over the head with a fireplace poker.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — For your 52nd birthday, your friends take you on a thrilling downtown cocktail crawl on Gotcha scooters. You all feel badass illegally operating the rentals on the sidewalks until the leader of the pack hits the root of a live oak enveloping the path, causing a pile-up of the entire party. Everyone will end the night with some scars, bruises and traffic citations.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You cause a scene at the neighborhood Christmas party when you misinterpret the meaning of “Dirty Santa,” leading to your arrest for disorderly conduct, public nudity and resisting arrest. 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— You’ve won a spot on a civilian flight to space thanks to your addiction to entering online sweepstakes. However, you’ll lose your seat because you haven’t had your fourth vaccine booster shot yet. As a consolation, they’ll set you up on a moon buggy driving down the crater-ful Springhill Avenue.