Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll see snow in Mobile! Yes, the white fluffy stuff. While standing in line at a store, you’ll start seeing the downfall. It will almost be a blizzard. Instead of being pleasant, it will be rather disgusting. Unfortunately for you, the white stuff you will be seeing will actually be dandruff. The person in front of you in line will be in desperate need of some Head & Shoulders as soon as possible before snowdrifts start to form. New Year’s Resolution: Fewer Twinkies.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You will drunkenly stumble into the great masses at the MoonPie Drop. The sounds from “Redneck Woman” will not help your confused state and you will think you have time traveled nearly a decade earlier. However, you know something is amiss when no one is wearing straw cowboy hats or talking about Usher’s song “Yeah” or Hoobastank. It isn’t until you spot a copy of Lagniappe that you read the date to realize you haven’t time traveled … instead you went to the place time forgot. New Year’s Resolution: Body hair control.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Every New Year starts out with a debilitating hangover, but this year, it just might be different. You aren’t sure how you aren’t clutching a toilet for dear life. Instead, you will wake up early, go for a walk and be pretty productive. It isn’t until you figure out a younger sibling switched two-thirds of your liquor for water or tea. You’ll be mad until you see the typically fresh-faced youngster green and crying from the pain. New Year’s Resolution: Fewer than 15 sexual partners.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Once again your crazy relative who you pretend is not blood related will give you a terrible present. This year you decide to return it and deal with the consequences of her asking why you don’t have the one-of-a-kind horrible knickknack. Imagine your surprise after sitting through the Christmas gift return hell only to find out your dear, sweet relative stole your gift! After a few hours being questioned by the authorities, you’ll be released. Just remember snitches get stitches. New Year’s Resolution: Rhymes with brushing your teeth.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Around New Year’s Eve you’ll be in a bar and bump into none other than MoonPie Over Mobile headliner Gretchen Wilson. This might be the last thing you remember because the self-proclaimed “Redneck Woman” and you will have one of the rowdiest nights of your life. For months after that fateful night, you will be greeted by people you believe are strangers. It isn’t until they start talking about “that night” that you’ll realize how they know you. New Year’s Resolution: Getting the “Redneck Woman” tattoo lasered off your face.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Don’t cheer for your teams during the upcoming bowl games. You are about to run into a streak of bad luck and the opposite of everything you want to happen will take place. If you want something on a menu, then the restaurant will be out. If you want to take home a particular person, they will be with their boo. If you want your team to win, they’ll lose horribly. Try testing the fates and wish for the opposite. New Year’s Resolution: Limiting yourself to 12 drinks a night.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) —Driving down Airport Boulevard you’ll lock eyes with a beauty at a red light. You two will drive down the street making eyes at one another until you run into the back of someone turning right at an excruciatingly slow speed. Your future significant other will continue to drive because how awkward is that? Trying to get in touch with your would-be boo, you will post your story on Craigslist’s missed connections. You probably don’t want to open the emails with photos attached. New Year’s Resolution: Paying attention while driving.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — That really annoying person your friends love for some reason will be going out with your group for New Year’s Eve. However, you must have been saving up karma for a while because that annoying person will lose their voice. Of course they will manage to aggravate you, but it’s so much easier to take if you don’t hear their voice. Make sure to yell Happy New Year loudly in their direction. New Year’s Resolution: Watching less filthy porn.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Due to the amount of alcohol you will consume on New Year’s Eve night, your motor skills will be incredibly slowed down. That’s why you’ll get confetti in your eye during a New Year’s Eve party. Since you are so drunk, you won’t notice until someone asks if it hurts. Like many things when you’re drunk, it won’t hurt then, but you’ll pay come the next morning. New Year’s Resolution: Wearing underwear.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will see a shooting star of sorts. You will witness a person trying to shoot a firework out of an orifice this New Year’s Eve. Many people have seen the videos of complete idiots shooting fireworks from various places, but rarely do you get to see the incredibly stupid display in person. Of course it will go horribly wrong and at least two people will go to the hospital, but you’ll have a good story. New Year’s Resolution: Taking the entire round of antibiotics.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A new friend will invite you to a New Year’s Eve party and it isn’t until you show up that you realize you are not in your typical social setting. Yes, you will accidentally end up in a posh, private party. People will be knowledgably talking about art, opera, etc. You, of course, will be googling furiously on your phone. Luckily for you, Wikipedia will only make you seem dumb once and you can pass that off as a joke. New Year’s Resolution: Stop asking Siri if she loves you.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be feeling down or under the weather on New Year’s Eve, but cheer up or get some medicine in you! NYE is a notorious “amateur hour” for drinking. That means it’ll be easy pickings just after midnight — fish in barrel, stealing candy from a baby and all that. While there may be people who are not quite up to your speed of drinking, remember to be kind to the poor souls puking up MoonPies on Dauphin. New Year’s Resolution: To stop kissing your friends’ spouses.