Leo (7/23-8/23) — You will despise modern marketing, and the damned horse it rode in on, after a quick trip to the drugstore to restock your supply of deodorant becomes a half-hour crisis of choice and identity. Your go-to brand, the “Original Scent” favored by your father and his father before him, is no longer manufactured. Instead, you’re forced to consider such fragrances as Bearglove™, Hawkridge™ and Wolfthorn™. Confused, angry and unable to commit, you return home empty-handed, shave your pits and condition the raw skin with a thin application of generic dish detergent. Turns out, the ladies love your bubbly new attitude.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Snubbed again by the 2015 Nappie Awards, you work feverishly on a ballot-rigging system to implement in next year’s contest. Eventually, you develop a silent and stealthy web app that harnesses the power of the Internet to cast votes in your favor. Blogging about your invention on an obscure sub-Reddit site, you are contacted by representatives of the GOP. Deployed during the Iowa caucuses, you know your app is a success when the world collective asks afterward, “Who the hell is John Kasich and how did he win?”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — When you accidentally post in a Donald Trump thread on Facebook, your inbox will be inundated with the worst, most stupid comments from the worst, most stupid people in the world. Enraged, you publicly vow to “unfriend” anyone who posts about Trump on your page. After just two days, you’ll be left with just one Facebook friend: Jimmy, the paste-eating guy who sits in the cubicle next to you. His cat videos can be annoying at times, but he’s all you have left.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your week will be horrible. You’ll buy a new rug, which your aging dog will treat like its own personal puppy pad. The box of Raisin Bran you bought will only have one small scoop of raisins inside. The “Planet of the Apes” DVD you ordered from Netflix will turn out to be the 2001 Tim Burton version. Your elementary school children will come home from summer camp doing the “whip” and “nae-nae.” A co-worker will catch you shamelessly eating the last “Happy Nappies Week” cookie.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — After a rousing night at the reader’s choice banquet, you’ll awake to an unprecedented morning-after headache and immediately question your years of dedicated Lagniappe readership. Evaluating the situation, you’ll recall that events sponsored by the rival newspaper never left you this incapacitated. You’ll try to relax by opening up the latest Lagniappe to skim through the horoscopes you never bother to read. Finding that you’re being ridiculed, you’ll call the newspaper’s office to cancel a subscription that doesn’t exist.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After years of waiting, you’ll finally settle your individual claim with BP next week over a beach vacation ruined by the fallout from the 2010 oil spill. However, the terms of the settlement will prevent the actual amount from being disclosed, even to you. Turns out you’ll never receive any money, and actually have to pay BP several thousand dollars. It also gives BP the right to acquire any of your future children anytime, without opposition. All in all, though, you’ll come out better than most.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With all the buzz surrounding charter schools, you’ll decide to start your own — one dedicated exclusively to students who are more than 6 feet tall. With extra-high doors and lockers, the school will finally meet the needs of an extremely underserved student population. It will also open up the floodgates for a litany of punny school slogans like, “We have HIGH standards,” “Dream Big” and “You know what they say about tall guys? They excel in math.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be filled with rage when you discover a worker from another office using your office’s refrigerator to store their lunch. You’ll run next door to confront the illegal tenant, but despite having other places to store their lunch, they continue to choose your office refrigerator, even after a stern warning. Their actions will leave you with only one solution: Their tuna nicoise salad sandwich will be delicious.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Mobile will become the first city to allow transportation company “PicUp” to operate a drone-hailing service within its limits. You and several other citizens will protest the service allowing drones affixed with claw-like contraptions to grab and transport passengers to their destinations. The clear safety risks are a concern, but the Mobile City Council unanimously approves because it’ll put the city on the map. It also means that trans-Atlantic travel for councilors will be a whole lot cheaper.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You and your significant other will argue for days about the proper way to line up a fitted sheet to the mattress on the bed you share. You’ll contend that as long as the sheet is on, it doesn’t matter what it looks like. Your S/O will argue that the seams have to align in a certain direction perfectly in order to provide a good night’s sleep. This dispute will only get worse when it’s your turn to fold the sheet. Good luck.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A public relations nightmare is averted when you realize the subject of an article pending publication actually died about seven months earlier, making the author’s claims “one-on-one lessons from this old-school master of sonic brass will bring your children’s aural enthusiasm to another level” insensitive, ignorant and outdated. Your attention to detail will be noted by your superiors, who will join you in LOL’ing at the absurdity of it all and will reward you with a Ranchero Wrap from Jason’s Deli.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Ever one to attempt to save face, you follow up your disorganized and painful Worst Weekend Ever with a well-planned and executed Wurst Weekend Ever. Basically, you will invite a handful of carnivorous friends over to enjoy a wide variety and ridiculous amount of grilled sausages. Intending to stray from the norm, you pass on the Conecuh to instead provide samplings from Germany, Poland, Finland and France. Everything is going great until your Scottish friend shows up. Come Monday, you’ll all be suffering from a fabled haggis hangover.
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