Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Disappointed at the high price of beef, you decide to try a DIY vegan “meat” recipe. It will neither look nor taste anything quite like ground chuck, but interestingly, for your dog, your vomit will.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — With safety as your primary goal, you’ll try to dine out at a local restaurant without actually touching anything with your hands. You’ll sail through the apps and soup, but with a set menu, the course featuring steamed crab claws will absolutely rock your world.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be shocked to hear your name dragged into a national dialog about “morbid obesity.” While you don’t mind terms like “thick” or even “fat,” something about clinical language will be particularly upsetting. Saddened, you’ll console yourself at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Saddened that your favorite high school graduate did not get to experience an incredibly boring three-hour ceremony to cap off years of hard school work, you decide to assemble a special gift basket that will prepare them for the next phase in life: four years’ worth of molly, Adderall, birth control and a down payment on at least $50,000 in student loan debt. Congrats!
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Now that the president himself has admitted to a daily regimen of hydroxychloroquine, you decide it is the best preventative for you. Looking for instant protection and ignoring doctors’ advice, you inject it the best way you can think of: by crushing it up and snorting it.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ve managed to avoid it for two months, but when your breathing becomes labored and your temperature rises you’ll think you’ve finally fallen victim to the coronavirus. But after a quick trip to urgent care, it’s determined you accidentally dashed some Cholula hot sauce in your face mask.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Inspired by the creativity afforded Elon Musk and Grimes when naming their human child, you decide to christen your new pet hermit crab బూడిద లారీ. You’re not entirely certain how to pronounce it, but you believe it means “Ashy Larry” in Telugu.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Eager to protect Fairhope’s public image amid a sewer overflow lawsuit filed by the state, you introduce ecotours explaining how microorganisms thrive in an E. coli-rich environment. Those red round marks that appear on your customers’ skin after diving excursions are not ringworm, but rather the “circles of life.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Since “Taco Tuesday” has lost its relevance because days and times no longer have meaning, you’ll start to eat tacos every day, at every meal, because you love tacos. When you finally go outside again to enjoy a late July evening, you’ll realize that your spice of life is gone. You only want tacos.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Hurt by the pandemic and with business still reeling from customers slow to come in, you’ll convert your barber shop to a completely touchless enterprise. Using clippers affixed to long poles, you’ll give customers the approximation of a good haircut.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll open up an astronaut-themed restaurant just days after the COVID-19 pandemic ends. Despite the all clear from public health experts you’ll require everyone to change into an on-theme space suit before dining on freeze-dried everything. You’ll quickly go out of business.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In an idea that comes to you in what you can only assume is a quarantine-induced fever dream, you’ll begin a career as a pop star only known as the symbol for the smiley face emoji. You’ll become a YouTube sensation, but because you’re old you won’t know about it.
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