Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Still stoked after a recent Alabama snowfall, you spend the next few weeks pondering your potential snowboarding career in your new Alaskan home. Your Advent calendar reveals a stale chicken McNugget.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Considering yourself environmentally friendly, you try to conceive an ingenious method to build homes out of outdated “Doug Jones for Senate” campaign signs. Your Advent calendar reveals Meghan Markle’s next outfit.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In appreciation of “A Christmas Story,” you encode all your texts with a puzzle that can only be deciphered with a Little Orphan Annie Secret Society Decoder Pin. Your Advent calendar reveals that clock you forgot to set back one hour this year.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In your latest breakthrough, you’ll discover that people are much more tolerable of your bullsh*t if Vince Guaraldi’s “Linus and Lucy” is playing in the background. Your Advent calendar reveals a megaphone.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll reenact your favorite scene from “Office Christmas Party” at your office Christmas party — by standing silently for 20 minutes while rolling credits. Your Advent calendar reveals that you’re Zestfully clean.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — As part of a terrific investment opportunity, you’ll attempt to convince Luther Strange to go into business with you lobbying lobbyists. Your Advent calendar reveals the rotting underbelly of both houses of Congress.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll wipe down the baseboards and dust the ceiling fans in anticipation of holiday company, while keeping your good coozies hidden away. Your Advent calendar reveals North Korean launch codes.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In a long awaited personal reply from His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, he’ll advise you to “always reach for that good-good, and never settle for the reg-reg.” Your advent calendar reveals whatever the cat killed today.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Go ahead a spare yourself the grief. No matter how hard you try, Christmas Spam will never be thing. Your Advent calendar reveals a miniature Boll Weevil Monument from an Enterprise gift shop.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’re disappointed yet another year has passed with no leading dictionary publisher honoring “janky” as its word of the year. Your Advent calendar reveals a 2003 copy of Microsoft Encarta.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll get ahead of yourself while wrapping presents and forget which one is which. The results will be more rewarding than you anticipated. Your Advent calendar reveals an empty Hershey’s Kiss wrapper.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Understanding the full breadth of the declining gulf oyster population, you’ll attempt to raise them in your home aquarium. Your Advent calendar will reveal a Byzantine calendar within.