Mr. Smith: Good morning Mr. Jones, I’m John Smith, president of the board. Thank you for coming in to interview for the general manager’s job here at Widget Tech. Your resume is quite impressive and it looks like you’ve had a heck of a career over the past 30 years. We’re joined today by Debbie Martin and Fred Wilson, both board trustees. Debbie and Fred, this is William Jones.
Jones: I’m really honored to meet you all and to be here. Working at Widget Tech has been a lifelong dream, so I greatly appreciate your consideration.
Mr. Smith: Mr. Jones, we’ve all gone over your resume and called your references, and you appear to have nothing but glowing reviews of your “work product.” Please forgive me, but I love making air quotes with my fingers. Anyway, you seem like a perfect professional fit for the position. You also graduated from a prestigious university and were Number One in your class. But we do have a few questions to ask about your personal life.
Jones: Um, well sure. I’d be happy to tell you about myself. I’ve been married to my wonderful wife, Beulah, for 25 years now and we have two beautiful daughters, Agnes and Hortense. I’m a deacon in my church and coach the girls’ field hockey team. We’re 0-5 right now, but the kids are really starting to clear much better and Hortense has been a monster with her blade from the striking circle. They still need to learn to bully a lot better, though.
Mr. Smith: Um, OK.
Jones: My wife and I are avid paddleboarders on the weekends and I also enjoy tutoring underprivileged children and organizing our church’s annual Christmas fundraiser to buy toys for poor kids. In my spare time I also like to build full-scale models of medieval fortresses out of matchsticks.
Mr. Smith: Well, that’s certainly impressive, but perhaps you could tell us a little about your elementary, middle school and high school experiences.
Jones: Well … OK. I went to St. Sebastian Elementary and Middle School, then on to Our Patron Saint of the Weeping Stigmata High School.
Mr. Smith: Oh, that’s a very prestigious school isn’t it?
Jones: (chuckling) We certainly like to think so, sir. Go Stigmatas!
Mr. Smith: How’d you do with the ladies there?
Jones: Come again? What?
Mr. Smith: How’d you do with the girls? Were you a ladies’ man? Did you have a lot of girlfriends?
Jones: I’m not sure how that’s relevant, Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith: Mr. Jones, we like to know everything we can about potential employees — especially one who would be in such a sensitive position. As you know, sexual harassment is a huge problem these days, so we’re not interested in hiring some “Don Juan” who’s chasing his secretary around the desk every afternoon, if you know what I mean.
Jones: Well, sir, I can assure you I have worked with many, many women in my life and never had a whiff of scandal. My mother was a woman, by the way, so I have developed a tremendous amount of respect for women. And to answer your question, I played a lot of Dungeons & Dragons in high school, so I wasn’t exactly the greatest with the chicks. I mean young ladies.
Mr. Smith: I see … Ms. Martin, do you have any questions?
Ms. Martin: Good morning, Mr. Jones. Do you need a break before we continue?
Jones: Good morning Ms. Martin. No thank you. I’m fine.
Ms. Martin: Mr. Jones, do you remember ever slow dancing with a girl named Sally Jenkins when you were at a high school dance in either 1981, 1982 or 1983?
Jones: Geez … no that’s not ringing a bell at all. I didn’t really go to a lot of dances because of … well … the D&D.
Ms. Martin: Oh really!? Because that’s not what Ms. Jenkins says. In fact, we’ve brought her here to testify about the incident. Ms. Jenkins, would you please join us? Thank you. Please recount for the board the horrific assault you endured.
Jones: Wait! Who is this person? I don’t know her!
Ms. Martin: Mr. Jones, please refrain from speaking while Ms. Jenkins expresses her truth! Ms. Jenkins, please go on. There are tissues on the table if you need them.
Ms. Jenkins: Thank you. I don’t really remember what year it was or where it happened or how I got there or got home or who I was with, but I was definitely dancing with William. I think he’d snuck some alcohol into the dance because he was quite drunk. Suddenly the song “Faithfully” by Journey came on and the next thing I knew we were slow dancing. I mean, I guess you’d call it dancing. He was basically just squeezing me and grinding his pelvis against my leg. It was horrifying. That song is so long, you know.
Ms. Martin: Yes I do. The guitar solo is excruciating. So is this the only time Mr. Jones attacked you?
Ms. Jenkins: Oh no … I went to several dances at times and places I can’t remember and he was always drunk and went crazy when Journey came on. But I just kept going back with my friend Sarah, who saw the whole thing.
Jones: This is insanity. I don’t know this person!
Ms. Martin: Quiet, Jones! Ms. Jenkins, thank you for your bravery. By the way, I checked with Sarah and she said she has no idea what you’re talking about, but she still believes you, as do I.
Mr. Smith and Mr. Wilson in unison: We believe you too!
Jones: But I don’t even LIKE Journey….
Mr. Wilson: Mr. Jones, we’d like to explore this drinking issue a bit further. How often did you get hammered at high school dances?
Jones: I didn’t get drunk at any dances. Sure, my friends and I drank a few beers playing D&D, but I liked beer. I still do.
Mr. Wilson: Could it be you don’t remember attacking Ms. Jenkins because you were blacked-out drunk? How often were you blacked-out drunk while you were finishing top in your class in college?
Jones: This is an outrage! I don’t understand where all this is coming from! You people are out of control!
Mr. Smith: Settle down Mr. Jones! I’m not really sure you have the right “temperament” for Widget Tech if you get angry about being accused of awful behavior by someone you don’t know. Our private investigator dug up another situation we need to ask about. Did you ever throw a cup of ice into a friend’s face arguing about armor class and the “Baby Orc Dilemma” during a D&D game?
Jones: Um, I can’t remember! Did you?
Mr. Smith: I have no baby Orc dilemma, Mr. Jones. Let’s just move on to your yearbook, or we’re never going to finish this job interview….