Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Rejected again by the panel of judges who determine Mobile’s “40 Under 40,” you lower your standards and aim to be one of Alabama’s “1,000 under 100.” You get into the spirit of Carnival by rejecting meat on Fridays.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Taking advantage of the ongoing government shutdown, your latest invention, fentanyl sleep aids, will go unnoticed by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. You get into the spirit of Carnival by carrying around a flambeaux.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Facing withdrawal symptoms from the end of college football season, you begin a two-week long tailgating party for the Senior Bowl. You get into the spirit of Carnival by wearing beads.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Worrying you were possibly manipulated during Alabama’s 2017 special Senate election, you voluntarily resign your membership in the Roy Moore Attended a 2011 Klan Rally and Was Abducted by Aliens Facebook page. You get into the spirit of Carnival by waiting along a parade route.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Celebrating the grand opening of The Simple Greek, you’ll join brothers from Sigma Alpha Epsilon and throw a double-kegger. You get into the spirit of Carnival by throwing a triple-kegger too.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll get into a confrontation with a man trying to shake the sting of Alabama’s defeat in the National Championship, only to have him remind you Auburn was worse in 2018. You get into the spirit of Carnival by making poor decisions in heavy traffic.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — A bachelor’s weekend in New Orleans will go bad quickly after the future father-in-law you thought would stifle the trip turns out to be an absolute degenerate. You get into the spirit of Carnival by smelling like NOLA.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After two week of searching, you’ll find your lost dog — although you’ll begin to wonder if that bad boy has a second family somewhere and you’re being played for a fool. You get into the spirit of Carnival by drunk-eating too many MoonPies.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You might be a schlemiel or schlimazel if you miss the Mobile Jewish Film Festival, but just hope you don’t end up a schlump. You get into the spirit of Carnival by booking a trip on the Turdtanic.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After losing $300 to your arch rival in fantasy football, you’ll devote the next eight months preparing for next season, only to have the Alabama Legislature outlaw the activity under penalty of death. You get into the spirit of Carnival by eating fried chicken on a stick.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As a concerned taxpayer, you’ll suggest Mayor Sandy Stimpson move the city offices to GulfQuest in an attempt to save money and improve efficiency. Shortly thereafter the building will be condemned. You get into the spirit of Carnival by constantly telling out-of-towners American Mardi Gras started in Mobile.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — To soothe yourself from a devastating championship loss, you’ll berate some poor sap over Auburn’s season. When that doesn’t work, you’ll look to your new favorite sport: basketball. You get into the spirit of Carnival by snatching a toy away from a child.