Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll realize it’s time for some personal grooming after you bring your dog to The Haven’s Mystic Mutts parade and attendees attempt to pet you and feed you a bone. The state of your union is distract and deflect.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — The next time it rains during a parade, you’ll don purple, green and gold war paint, hijack a police horse and lead a “Braveheart”-inspired charge downtown in spite of it all. The state of your union is sh*thole countries.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In an effort to raise money for Baldwin County schools, you’ll introduce Breakout games to their seclusion rooms. The key to escaping is an Adderall prescription and at least a 2.0 GPA. The state of your union is fake news.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While searching for the white squirrel of Spanish Plaza, you’ll discover the Fountain of Youth. “Youth” is the street name of a homeless guy you found peeing in the bushes. The state of your union is unfilled key positions.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Trying to broker some peace between the school boards of Gulf Shores and Baldwin County, you’ll host a demolition derby for retired school buses. You’ll be thrilled when they all decide to cohabitate in the #vanlife. The state of your union is jobs, jobs, jobs.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — To protest the offensive Comic Cowboys parade, you’ll sponsor a self-help workshop in a safe space. Participants will be encouraged to say something nice about each other. The state of your union is more extra than Kellyanne Conway.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In an attempt to support a “litter-free Mardi Gras,” you’ll follow each procession with one of Elon Musk’s flamethrowers. The Mobile Police Department will commend you for helping to clear the streets. The state of your union is Stormy Daniels.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll save the Alabama Gulf Coast Recovery Council a big headache by proposing to spend the entire BP allocation on an extension of Trump’s border wall. All future natural disasters will simply be deflected, just like brown people. The state of your union is FBI political cronies.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Knowing absolutely nothing about public utility rates or administration, you’re the perfect candidate for the Prichard Water Board’s $1.5 million management contract. In accordance with the bid guidelines, you can simply hire two people to do the work for you. The state of your union is Mar-a-Lago.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be saved by the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson after you choke on the plastic baby embedded inside a King Cake. You’ll rename the vacant and indebted Hank Aaron Stadium the “Field of Nightmares.” The state of your union is a government shutdown.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll turn a quick profit by convincing a group of rookie investors cheap Mardi Gras doubloons are actually bitcoins. The state of your union is a 30,000 Dow Jones Industrial Average.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll spend an evening at The Cheese Cottage eating samples and making puns. The state of your union is to Make America Grate Again.