Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Falling into a comfortable sleep during a tubing trip down Styx River, you’ll bypass the finish point and float in the Gulf of Mexico. Detained by ICE, you’ll appear in campaign ads for Tucker Dorsey and Chris Elliott. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Judy Sheindlin.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll think you’ve spotted Bigfoot during your inaugural walk on the Jag Fitness Trail, but it turns out it’s just Luther Strange lobbying the trees to be harvested for lumber. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Harry T. Stone.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In an attempt to reassure St. Paul’s timid football program before the 2018 season, you’ll invite yourself to the athletic department and deliver Sgt. Hartman’s “Full Metal Jacket” speech. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Greg Mathis.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After reading about emerging Mobile pop group The Guest List, their single “Nobody but You” will become your summer 2018 anthem. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Joe Brown.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Undertaking your own adventure to the Mobile-Tensaw Delta to gaze upon the American lotus in bloom, you’ll discover a well-preserved VHS copy of “Matilda.” Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Margaret W. Wilbur.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — After failing to read the instructions, you’ll realize you’ve somehow mishandled your new Big Green Egg when your face ages 20 years and you’re suddenly addicted to nicotine. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Henry Bone.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll simultaneously mourn the closing of the Fairhope Hardee’s and celebrate the grand reopening of TexarBama BBQ with a custom Fairhope Float from Mr. Gene’s Beans. It’ll be topped with Bacon Bits. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Glenda Hatchett.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Trying to find an agreeable middle ground for the Ladd Stadium debate, you’ll propose to transition the Jaguars to an indoor football league with games at the Mitchell Center. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Joseph Dredd.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Hearing some rather salacious rumors about a certain local political race, you’ll buckle up, grab your popcorn and shield your kids’ eyes. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Roy Snyder.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll start a private garbage collection service to compete with the dysfunctional city of Mobile Public Works Department. Finding that it really isn’t that difficult, you’ll offer curbside recycling as well. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Lynn Toler.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Misunderstanding the purpose of a “tool sharing” app, you’ll discover LEVELD is not a marketplace to trade one of your stupid and facetious friends for another. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is Judge Chamberlain Haller.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Inspired by the sinking of the New Venture, you’ll front a Jimmy Buffett tribute group called the Artificial Reefer Band. Your nominee for Supreme Court Justice is former Judge Herman Thomas.
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