Hello, I’m Kay James Burdette Blanchard, and I’m running for governor of the great state of Alabama. And I’m just as pleased as a penguin in a pepper patch to be the one who will take Joe Biden, the fake news and Blue State liberals over my knee and give them a whoopin’ with my granddaddy’s belt that he made from the hide of the orneriest bull in the Wiregrass.
If that makes Joe Biden cry, well … then bless his heart!
My personal story is as inspiring as Bear Bryant during a halftime rant and a big reason you should vote for me.
My daddy was the governor, but I still grew up in a trailer! When I was 15, someone shot and stabbed that trailer and shoved it down an old well where I thought I might die. But I didn’t because I saw a golden rope there in the darkness, grabbed aholt of ’er and was hauled to safety by none other than Donald Trump hisseff! Mr. Trump immediately saw my potential and sent me to a tiny European country you’ve never heard of to be his ambassador for a Euro version of “The Apprentice,” which ran for just three seasons because Meatloaf only spoke American.
As Alabamians, I know you’re scared — and you should be! We’re faced with tremendous challenges, but when I’m governor you’ll be able to sleep like a newborn baby after a hike down Mount Cheaha!
Of course, the number one problem facing our great state is voter fraud. When I’m governor, nobody will be sending ballots out willy-nilly all over the state, or driving dump truck loads of ballots into our polling places at 1 a.m. and shoveling them into Chinese-controlled election machines!
And I’ll stop all the dead liberals from voting, too!
I know Alabama didn’t have problems in the last election, but my very close personal friend Donald Trump lost because of all the dead voters and such and we need to show him how seriously we take this problem and let him know he’s the most important person in our lives even when he says crazy things and acts like he was kicked in the head by Aunt Alice’s favorite mule.
Now I’ve heard some people claim things like education, jobs and infrastructure should be where we focus our attention, but that’s just crazier than a Junebug in a brown paper sack! Do you wake up in the middle of the night more scared of a bridge that didn’t get built or that your child might walk into a restroom with a transgendered kid? Ain’t nobody scared of an unbuilt bridge!
That’s why when I’m governor, there’ll be state troopers stationed outside every elementary, middle and high school bathroom making sure everyone stays in their lane, if you know what I mean. God didn’t put feathers on a cow for a reason!
And I’m going to personally attend every swim meet in the state just to make sure a dude in a woman’s bathing suit doesn’t try to pull a fast one! Trust me, I’ll stand up and just say it. “Come on! That’s a man in a woman’s bathing suit!” And I’ll point when I say it!
In fact, we’ll make it illegal to sell women’s bathing suits that an average-sized man could wear! My administration will protect women’s swim meets from Joe Biden and his transgendered swimmers!
The liberals and their cronies in the fake news want you to believe there are 50 genders now! Can you imagine how many bathrooms would need to be built if there were 50 genders? Did you know there was a plan on Hunter Biden’s laptop that outlined how Hunter — who has never so much as dug his own outhouse, which I did when I was 5! — was going to be paid billions in government money to build bathrooms for all these new genders his daddy made up, like he’s some kind of expert? Nice try, Hunter Biden! You might be able to sell that plan in downtown Kyiv, but not here in Alabama!
And if Joe Biden thinks he’s going to keep dropping Mexicans off all over the place in Alabama, well all I have to say to that is, “No way, José!” Hahaha! Sorry, but that one made me laugh. I love “Taco Tuesday” and a 72-ounce margarita as much as the next person, but enough is enough! Just pick the crops, fix the roof and get out before I have to learn how to say “go away” in Spanish!
Have I mentioned in the past five seconds that I’m very close with Donald Trump? I am. Super close. I’m actually the one who told him to comb his hair like that. He likes me.
I’d love to shoot something for you, but I probably shouldn’t move around too much because my knees are so sore from kicking Joe Biden’s butt over and over. Or maybe they’re sore from groveling for Donald Trump’s endorsement. It’s hard to tell. Just know they’re sore.
Alabama’s practically a utopian paradise, so let’s not allow Joe Biden, the fake news and Blue State liberals to ruin what we’ve got. Elect me as your next governor and I’ll keep Alabama just the way you like it! Sure as catching crawdads in a cowbell!
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