Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A single day off will prove to be your undoing as your fail to kick the post-Memorial Day blues and slide into a significant slump at work. Days behind, you’ll soon be memorializing your job.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll make a fool of yourself trying to flex your grilling muscles as an online recipe for a slow-smoked Turducken proves hard to follow. The few steps in “stop, drop and roll” will be much easier.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After a weekend on the beach, you’ll be faced with the dilemma of what to do with the leftover baby powder you desperately bought during a significant chafing event. Pro tip: Have a baby!
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Memorial Day. You’re in a kayak on the delta when a big log moves. The situation proves harrowing for a moment, but friends will always remember the day you called the game warden on driftwood.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — From a jail cell, you’ll contemplate why you ever tried to corral a sea turtle into a cooler. The turtle, who is found to be carrying marijuana on his person, will do his own soul searching in the slammer.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll cosplay as Thanos at MobiCon and accidentally snap your fingers while dancing to a big band hit. In an instant, half of everything in the universe will turn into Glenn Miller.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Realizing you’ve cut your grass three times in as many weeks, you’ll get the bright idea to try a controlled burn instead. As luck would have it, the yard at your mother’s house is actually larger.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — With the year’s first tropical weather system threatening the northern Gulf Coast, you’ll stock up on milk and bread. After the area is devastated with a half-inch of rain and 13 mph winds next week, you’ll make the world’s largest bread pudding.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — The proportion of blueberries to strawberries and whipped cream in your Memorial Day dessert will lead people to believe they are actually celebrating Australian Labour Day. You’ll throw another a shrimp on the barbie.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll cause a stir in your neighborhood when you confuse Memorial Day with Independence Day. Mobile’s finest will be called to your house by the time the second skyrocket fills the darkness.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — As you climb over the other ghostly pale bodies in an attempt to find a spot on the sand where you can enjoy your beach trip, you’ll swear off time spent on the Gulf.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In order to keep your sanity through the school-less months, you’ll invoke a no-sugar policy in your house. Angry at your new rule against cookies, your spouse will interpret no sugar to mean no sex.