Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After seeing the announcement of “Frozen 2” you’ll begin the insurmountable challenge of keeping your 5-year-old from learning of the film’s existence. You do not want to build a snowman.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As Southern Baptists grapple with how to address sexual assault allegations against members of their clergy, you’ll begin to ask the only real question: Are Baptists copying Catholics’ homework?
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In what will be a very embarrassing misread on your part, you’ll assume the state will no longer allow “Yoda” in schools. Sad that the little green mystic of an ancient religion will not be studied in area middle schools, you’ll rewatch the prequels and immediately regretted the decision; bad, they are.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In celebration of the recent announcement about Amtrak bringing back service from Mobile to New Orleans, you’ll drive really slowly in your vehicle in an attempt to make the two-hour trip take five. You’ll give up and drive faster once you smell Pascagoula.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A new and promising love interest will come undone after the would-be suiter puts your third-generation cast iron skillet into the dishwasher. It won’t be washed, but you’ll decide the risk isn’t worth it.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Taking advantage of a 20-year head start, you’ll begin thinking of ways to thwart tolls on the I-10 Bridge. However, you’ll hit a significant snag when you realize camouflage paint only works in wooded areas.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll push the City Council to nominate you as a municipal judge. You don’t have a law degree, which would seem to be a prerequisite, but you’ve seen some things, man. Plus, you want to let your friends out of tickets.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — As an Auburn fan who already had to pretend to understand college basketball this year, you’ll sit the College World Series out as the Tigers play in Omaha. Not understanding post-season baseball, you wouldn’t even know when to be disappointed anyway.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As you shake violently while bowing to the porcelain God, you’ll ruminate on how exactly one drinks so much at an Alison Krauss show. Then you’ll remember the boxes of red wine you and your friends snuck in.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Determined to not follow your dad’s Father’s Day wishes to just leave him “the hell alone,” you’ll plan a wonderful day for your pops. You’ll also buy him socks because somebody once said all dads like socks and most people have just given up since.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In an effort to help your neighborhood battle blight, you’ll apply for sovereignty from the state and the country, in order to just indiscriminately bulldoze all the structures you don’t like. The plan works to your surprise because our country is messed up politically.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — As Democrats continue to milk the Mueller Report for all it’s worth, you’ll be subpoenaed to testify before the House Judiciary Committee. Though you have no knowledge of the report’s content or creation, you did watch most of “House of Cards.”
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