It seems everyone lately is terrified of zombies and some sort of apocalypse related to them. As far as scary monsters go, I don’t really get it. They are slow and can be killed with a shotgun or other weapons. It’s not like they make us jump through hoops like the vampires do.
Honey, wake up! I think there’s a vampire in the house, grab the stake out of the closet. Um, yeah, we don’t have one. OK, well then, just get the holy water. Yeah, fresh out of that too. Well, damn. I guess just come on and get me, Count. But please try not to get any blood on the down comforter, since we are going to be stuck with it for an eternity.
Anyway, I do feel like Hollywood is selling the human race short on this zombie apocalypse thing. We’ve got this, y’all. We’ve just got to use our delicious brains to defeat them. And we can.
We just have to rally the living against the undead. So I will borrow the immortal words of President Thomas Whitmore in the 1996 blockbuster film, “Independence Day,” to do so:
“We will once again be fighting for our freedom … Not from tyranny, oppression or persecution … but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”
That’s right! Aliens, zombies, whatever. ‘Merica! Heck yeah! (Incidentally, that quote was nominated as one of the “cheesiest movie quotes of all time” by imdb.com.) Even fictional presidents just can’t win.
But anyway, there are things far, far scarier to worry about this Halloween than ghouls, goblins and people dressed up like Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Let’s see …
1.According to the World Health Organization, bacon, hot dogs, sausage and red meat are now carcinogenic. You don’t have to worry about zombies eating us because we are going to starve to death first. We shouldn’t eat processed foods. Refined sugar is a killer. Step away from the high-fructose corn syrup. Fish is full of mercury. Carbs and saturated fats are evil. Avoid gluten and yeast. Goodness gracious. Is there anything we can eat? I would say vegetables but they are probably covered in pesticide. Or grown in cancer-causing soil. Can man exist on red wine alone? I’ll let you know. Note to self: First stop once zombie apocalypse: Red or White.
2. It is probably only a matter of days — weeks, if we’re lucky — before another mentally troubled person shoots up yet another school, university, movie theater or mall. Or drives their car into a crowd, killing innocent people and 2-year-old babies. And we are so used to it, it barely garners our attention anymore. And even more frightening, no one seems to know what to do about it.
3. A crazy person may be our next president. How are we supposed to fight the zombies without a strong leader? Maybe we can just build a big wall. Can zombies scale things?
4. We really have become a highly connected but so very disconnected, unkind, unforgiving, I-would-rather-just-spew-online-hatred-than-actually-talk-to-you world.
5. And finally, certainly what can be seen as the first horse of the apocalypse: man buns. They do exist, and they even have several websites dedicated to them. And I’m not talking about the ones in the posterior region that are sometimes referred to as “hot,” cute” or “tight.” I am talking about the above abomination.
On the bright side, zombies probably prefer their brains on buns, so this could be a win-win. Just hold the carcinogenic bacon, though, our dear undead pals. It’ll kill you.