I accept life is mysterious and there may never be definitive answers to some things. How did we get here? Is there life on other planets? How many licks does it take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Roll pop? Is Bruce Jenner still a human?

But lately, questions I think should have relatively simple answers are giving me trouble. And it’s aggravating. How am I supposed to concentrate on which Kardashian I need to keep up with if I am busy worried about these things? I need answers, people. HELP!

What is up with this weather?

It was a miserably cold winter and spring. It seems to be absolutely gorgeous every day I am stuck under flickering fluorescent lights, and raining every weekend. I am no botanist or climatologist— or whoever it is that studies these here things— but I would think the overabundance of precipitation coupled with frigid temperatures would make there be LESS pollen, but I swear I have never seen this much in my life.

I know you are probably saying to yourself at this very moment, “Are you seriously dedicating this much precious ink to pollen production?” Yes I am. And I’m sorry, but I am just absolutely amazed by the sheer volume of it. The other day, the rain washed off the most recent dusting of my car. But once it stopped, it seemed to be completely coated again in it in a matter of milliseconds. Why so much? Oh the intrigue!

Then it started sprinkling again and created what can only be described as cloudy, yellowy-green toxic pollen sludge, which started creeping slowly down my windshield. I thought to myself, I wonder what that stuff tastes like. Then I thought, I shouldn’t tell anyone I thought about that. I’m thinking it’s a combination of Goody’s powder and Lawry’s seasoning salt.

On to the next burning question…

What is up with Councilman Fred Richardson?

I covered city council for many years, and I always thought Councilman Fred Richardson, although a bit of a character, was a good councilman who looked out for his district. A couple of years ago, I moved into his district and one of the first things one of my new fellow District One-ians told me, “You know, I know Fred can be a little kooky, but when we had a problem, we called him and he had it fixed right away.”

So I’ve personally overlooked his “showboating” over the years, because, well, I thought it was just entertaining political theater. And as long as he was doing his job, who cares, right? Let’s just giggle and move on. But lately, the showboating has turned into conspiratorial rants and grandiose diatribes that are borderlining on cray-cray.

Accusing people of lying about the city’s finances, talking about Martian math and promising us the city is not broke.

“Let it be said over every hill top, every mountain, every river in the valley that Fred Richardson said ‘we are not broke, we’re on sound footing and the City of Mobile is healthy financially.’ Let it be said that I said it first in case somebody else wants to say it after me,” He decreed.

Hill tops and mountains? Rivers and Valleys? Fred, are you drinking the Pollen Juice? I think you may be hallucinating.

Well if we ain’t broke, let’s fix it! Wait, is that how that expression goes? Anyway, this is the best news I have heard all week, Fred! Please, please do something about Ann Street and all the rest of our crumbling roads and infrastructure with all this money we have. While we are at it, why don’t you fix your ditches in Trinity Gardens too.

You’ve only been talking about those for umpteen years. Give all of our public safety workers a much deserved raise right this instant! I would love some new playground equipment at all of our parks, bike paths, soccer complexes, skate parks, a fancy riverwalk, maybe even a ferris wheel like they have over there in London, England! Please do tell us, kind sir, where all this treasure is buried?

It seems the good councilman just wants to position himself as the Anti-Stimpson guy and he is going to oppose — or at least make a lot of noise — about everything the mayor wants to do.

Perhaps he thinks that is a smart political move. Some times it can be. But Fred, purely from a political standpoint, it’s kind of dumb right now. Why? Because there is a lot of wonderful things on the horizon for us, and this city is collectively in a pretty damn good mood. Being the “No Man” may be a good play when we are down and out and depressed and need a collective dose of Prozac. But with this feeling of optimism permeating the air along with the pollen, we all want to work together to get things done and make our city better. People are metaphorically skipping through the meadows of Mobile right now, chasing butterflies. And you are ripping their wings off.

In times like these, if you are seen as the guy who is trying to block everything just for spite (which is exactly what it looks like) it’s going to backfire on you.

I don’t like this new angry, ranty Fred. Bring back the old one we all know and love!

This final question is one for the ages:

Why do I have a disproportionate amount of Mobile Mystics Mardi Gras cups in my cupboard, as compared to other parading societies? I have an IM or two, a couple of KORs, some generics with future Fat Tuesday dates, but for the most part, it’s Mobile Mystics. And they span over the years. It’s not like we caught a whole sleeve of them at one parade one year or something like that. Is this by design? Do they want to be known as the cup people? Or is this all just completely random and unique to my own collection of to go cups? Inquiring (and arguably disturbed) minds must know.

Perhaps I will invite some of them over, along with Fred and Bruce Jenner, and we can discuss all of these things. Maybe I’ll even serve up a little Pollen Juice in my fancy Mystics cups. And we can put to rest once and for all what it tastes like… chicken perhaps? Hmmmmm?