Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Weighed down by throws the Conde Cavaliers hurled upon you at Saturday’s parade in downtown Mobile, you’ll hail a pedicab back to your car, where said throws will remain for eight months. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is the Ben May Main Library.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In honor of the return of Senior Bowl activities in Mobile, you suit up in a helmet and jock strap and direct drivers to the best unlicensed parking lots around Ladd-Peebles Stadium. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is Bienville Square.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After reading a story about the wild jump in bitcoin value last year, you take it upon yourself to learn just enough about cryptocurrency to discuss it casually at bars, and probably never really think about it again. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is Mardi Gras Park.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After hearing Abe Partridge’s new album, you’ll gargle with sand in an attempt to achieve the same gravelly vocal style. After that fails, you’ll succeed when you rinse it out with cheap bourbon. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is Broad Street at Springhill Avenue.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Hearing that the remains of the slave ship Clotilda may have been discovered in the mud of the Mobile River Delta 150 years after it was scuttled, you’ll be inspired to finally track down your long-lost sunglasses. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is Central Fire Station.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll venture outside to retrieve the mail while wearing your bathrobe, where you will be briefly mistaken for a white squirrel. However, you are more offended the observer thought you were an albino rather than a morph. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is at the corner of Nunya and Bizness.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Looking at photos of the fictional ghost town of Spectre, Ala., you’ll note how many of the houses are in better repair than most of the inventory of the Mobile Housing Board. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is in front of the Mobile Housing Board.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — When you notice FEMA included your high-and-dry lot in its newest flood maps, you’ll dig a wide moat around it to accommodate excess water and contain your pet sharks and alligators. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is The Merry Widow.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll reimburse Congressman Bradley Byrne for withholding his pay during the 36-hour government shutdown. Subtracting taxes, Social Security withholdings, insurance and his loss in the 2010 gubernatorial election, you owe him nothing. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is The Garage.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Heeding the call for a litter-free Mardi Gras, you propose to follow each parade with a squad of flame throwers, simultaneously clearing the crowd and incinerating every piece of trash that remains in its wake. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is the Athelstan Club.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Eager to get more miles out of the coat you bought during the Great Southern Freeze of 2018, you’ll ask various restaurants if they can serve you at a special table inside their walk-in coolers. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is Spanish Plaza.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In a sleazy attempt to gain more Instagram followers, you’ll try to instigate Baker Mayfield while he’s in town for the Senior Bowl. Your lucky Mardi Gras location is The MoonPie General Store.