Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — As a resolution to Mobile’s council-mayor relationship issues in 2019, you’ll suggest Mayor Sandy Stimpson be named the council president. It will not go over well. Your 2018 spirit animal is Knickers the giant Australian cow.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll start 2019 by naming your parcel of land in midtown its own sovereign nation, after getting in a zoning dispute. You will be brought back into the country by force after several failed invasions. Your 2018 spirit animal is Walmart yodeler Mason Ramsey.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In an attempt to resolve the debate over a boutique hotel planned for Fairhope’s “most important intersection,” you propose the city preserve it as a liberal safe space instead. Your 2018 spirit animal is Gritty, the new mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Things will go haywire when archaeologists digging at the I-10 bridge site uncover a mysterious and powerful golden idol, leading to a battle with ghosts and Nazis that can only be won by a young Harrison Ford. Your 2018 spirit animal is Mark Wahlberg and his daily workout routine.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll regain consciousness sometime after the Orange Bowl just in time to watch the University of Central Florida dismantle LSU and remind everyone they still want Bama. Your 2018 spirit animal is an ability to hear both Yanny and Laurel.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be the first person in 2019 to try Jeff Bezos’ newest innovation at Amazon. You’ll ride along with one of the company’s new Prime delivery drivers as part of a new ride-hailing service called Prime Ride. Your 2018 spirit animal is Ben Affleck’s back tattoo.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Sorry, you’ll have Sister Sledge’s 1971 hit “We Are Family” stuck in your head until Hoobastank headlines next year’s MoonPie Drop. Your 2018 spirit animal is Elon Musk smoking a joint.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In 2019, all the city’s live oak trees will be cut down to make way for an expanded Azalea Trail. The city will become consumed by war over flora. Your 2018 spirit animal is Roseanne Barr just not getting it.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Inspired by the Netflix series “Nailed It!,” you’ll open a popular boutique confectionery for disastrous baking. It will be shut down by the health department. Your 2018 spirit animal is Colin Kaepernick’s Nike ad.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be one of many Alabamians surprised to see former Attorney General Jeff Sessions reenter the political fray as a District 5 Mobile City Council candidate. Your 2018 spirit animal is a wayward moth, guided home by soft lamp light.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll invent the spiritual successor to the corn dog but will quickly realize the Creamed-Corn Dog™ is more of a fire hazard than a fair favorite. Your 2018 spirit animal is surprised Pikachu.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be charged with a serious state ethics violation in the early months of 2019, though you’ll be spared from prison when the Alabama Legislature votes to dissolve all the laws. Your 2018 spirit animal is Mr. Bubz.