Leo (7/23-8/22) — After The New York Times uses a headline that is too centrist for your liking, you’ll cancel a longtime subscription and start exclusively getting news from tweets that end in #staywoke.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After spending months impersonating Baby Boomers on Facebook, things will go too far and you’ll find yourself ONLY ABLE TO USE CAPITAL LETTERS AVOIDING PUNCTUATION AND POSTING THINGS PUBLICLY THAT YOU INTENDED TO BE A PRIVATE MESSAGE.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Worried that your child might be playing violent, dehumanizing video games, you’ll check in on them to find they’re actually helping villagers collect rice in an optional side quest. You’ll leave their room even more concerned.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As a series of bomb threats continues to disrupt business at local Walmarts, you’ll push past your fears and continue your regular patronage. Correctly, you’ll assume that no one with a real beef against the Tillman’s Corner Walmart knows how to build a bomb. Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll get a bit carried away playing with the features on the new Taco Bell kiosks. Adding extra beef to a burrito will seem normal enough, but the computer will draw a hard line when you request nacho cheese for your cinnamon twists.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In the latest incident proving new technology does not always improve the old way of doing things, you’ll get into an argument with a self-checkout register about a coupon’s expiration date. When a human employee finally intervenes, you will have forgotten how to communicate.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Sometimes life is like a defective Juul, where you slowly draw a deep breath only to be denied a lungful of that sweet, artificially flavored vapor. If you or someone you know is struggling with these thoughts, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Much to the surprise of the internet, you’ll be prepared to defend your children when 30 to 50 feral hogs storm into your yard next week. While you won’t be armed, you will have a saxophone and and will be able to pester the homeless hogs back into the woodline.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Never one to give up a fight, you lay in the middle of Interstate 10 and tell the Alabama Department of Transportation they can build a toll bridge over your dead body. As your flat carcass is hosed from the pavement the next day, your survivors begin a campaign to name the bridge in your honor.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ve become somewhat of a professional at dodging taxes, but two things in life remain certain: death and laundry. Death will surely catch up with you at some point, but until then, don’t ever surrender to the washing machine and dryer.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In an effort to keep children distracted while their screen time is limited, you’ll show them how to responsibly destroy fire-ant beds through immolation. When they advance upon bird and squirrel nests without your permission, you’re not sure whether to be regretful or proud.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Realizing football is nearly upon you, you’ll take the annual steps to emotionally insulate yourself from disappointment. If you go into the season without dreams, those dreams can’t be crushed.
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