Fresh out of ideas for unique gifts for mom, you retreat to your home studio to record an acoustic version of Danzig’s “Mother.” The product will receive mild play on soft-rock radio and you’ll launch a side hustle gigging at retirement homes.
The Alabama House of Representatives would like to wish a preliminary Happy Mother’s Day to all the future rape and incest victims who will not be able to seek an abortion under what would be the nation’s most restrictive laws. Straight ticket voting, y’all.
Although your mom ain’t exactly low maintenance, she’s just as happy with a Coke and a pack of smokes as she would be with dinner and flowers. So this year, treat her to a two-liter and an entire carton.
In a touching Mother’s Day tribute, you acknowledge that mom was right when she warned you your own children would treat you like you treated her. Reaching in for an embrace, you’ll spill a glass of wine on her couch.
Your coworker will annoy you this week with his elaborate plan to make a gift for his dog to give his wife for Mother’s Day. The plans include a rawhide and Beggin’ Strips breakfast in bed and an afternoon at Bark in the Park at the Mobile BayBears game.
With no brunch availability, you’ll scramble to find something that will please your mom on her special day. You’ll settle for a food truck out in the heat. The food will be hot, but the conversation will be served cold.
In what seems to be a heartfelt gift, but is really just a shallow attempt at more romantic attention from your partner, you’ll put together a collage of photos featuring the family as a Mother’s Day gift. Skyrockets in flight, as they say.
On Mother’s Day, you’ll give your significant other what she really wants, which is time away from you and the children. You’ll spend what seems like hours out with your offspring, only to return 25 minutes later, red-faced and sweating with terror in your eyes.
You’ll get your mother a Lowe’s gift card as a last minute gift thinking it will help with her gardening. Much to your horror, she’ll use the funds to launch a DIY sex dungeon project.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — To show your appreciation, you’ll move out of your mother’s basement and into the apartment above her garage. As a Level 5 Paladin and subreddit moderator, this is only the beginning of your many successes.
In celebration of the child you share together, your husband will do nothing for you this Mother’s Day. It seems lazy at first, but will prove to be a powerful statement about men’s role in pregnancy.
During a surprise Mother’s Day, you’ll realize your mom may have retired out of state to get away from her children. That point will really be driven home when you knock on the door and hear her audibly say: “No one is home.”
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