Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll head down to the Flora-Bama for a peaceful, relaxing weekend only to find yourself admid the rowdiest crowd between New Orleans and Panama City. You can toss a mullet while you drink a bushwacker without spilling it.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll read an article about weeds from the Mobile Master Gardeners and declare war on your lawn. Spoiler alert: You’ll never win. You can toss a mullet while you pee in the Gulf in Mexico.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be betrayed as an FBI informant after you’re caught pirating the new season of “Westworld.” Your favorite bass player is Flea. You can toss a mullet at someone wearing a Confederate flag swimsuit.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You will rewrite the musical “Newsies,” modernizing it for a 21st century audience. The result, “Influencers,” will enjoy a three-week run in a damp Queens theater before being lost to history. You can toss a mullet while rinsing the sand out of your crotch.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll compete in the annual Dauphin Island race using a derelict vessel that most recently housed a crab restaurant. After tossing the junk overboard and raising your boxer shorts as an extra sail, you cruise to victory. You can toss a mullet from Florida to Georgia.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll begin to practice for the World Cup now that Mobile is building tournament soccer fields. You’ll make it to the big stage, but your accomplishments will be overshadowed by the worst SEC football team. You can toss a mullet stuffed inside a flounder stuffed inside a stingray.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to protect yourself and your sanity, you’ll stay away from Waffle Houses and Starbucks until all this racism blows over. Guess what? You’ll never go to Waffle House or Starbucks again. You can toss a mullet wherever it wants to go.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You interrupt the opening lines of Mayor Karin Wilson’s State of the City address by shouting “PRETENTIOUS!” When she says “the state of the city is …” You can toss a mullet back into the bay to live a happy life.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Suddenly craving cake balls ever since Cream & Sugar closed down, you’ll be tossed out of a cupcake boutique for fondling the confections. You can toss a mullet in the frying pan along with a few of his friends.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Hyper-vigilant of the riff-raff in the neighborhood, you begin patrolling in search of illegal campaign signs in the right of way. This compulsion leads you to start the 12-step program Cigarette Butt Picker Uppers Anonymous. You can toss a mullet to relieve stress.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by the Interstate Mullet Toss, you attempt to start a new tradition throwing apple snails across Three Mile Creek. After PETA forces you into a public apology, you’ll cancel the inaugural Gulf Coast Doggie Drop. You can toss a mullet en Español.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Worlds will collide at Fort Conde during Crawfish and Cornhole, a fundraiser for refugee nonprofit Dwell Mobile. The only real food meets the only real sport on a planet clouded by imitators. You can toss a mullet into a blender for a refreshing and healthy smoothie.