Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While enjoying a concert from the cheap seats at a local music venue, you’ll be forced to confront the truth that poor people used to be smaller. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is being marginally obese.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be hoodwinked by a phishing scam after clicking on a malicious email. Instead of taking financial information, the perpetrators will threaten to tell everyone how often you read your own blog. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is an addiction to tube socks.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll feel foolish when you realize you could’ve saved 30 cents on your last toothpaste purchase at Rite Aid. Apparently, you also missed buy-one-get-one-free swimsuit weekend at Walgreens. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is the ghost of Abigail.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Your vacation in Hawaii will end in arrest, as you’ll be caught trying to steal a novelty turtle from a surf shop. The good news is you’ll extend your holiday by 40 days. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is an affinity for collecting turtle shells.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll break down in a Payless ShoeSource after failing to find a pair in your size. Your whole life you’ve had to buy different shoes to fit your weird, gross feet. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is an uneven left foot.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Giving your inner child a birthday gift, you’ll buy a case of water balloons. Your friends won’t share your enthusiasm, so your evening ends with you ballooning yourself. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is Silly String you swallowed at age 6.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll become ill while on a soup cleanse. The idea was to lose weight by only eating hearty vegetable soup, but apparently something was wrong with the vegetables. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is grilled cheese allergies.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll fall asleep twice trying to watch a foreign film your friend described as their “favorite movie ever.” Subtitles are exhausting but be careful, three strikes and you’re out. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is narcolepsy.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Tired of waiting on nature to take its course, you’ll harvest a grocery bag full of Silver Queen corn right off a farmer’s uncut stalks. When authorities finally capture “The Corn Bandit,” you’ll have a nagging hunger for pink-eyed, purple hull peas. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is Monsanto.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your kindness toward an animal in need will likely only pay off in sloppy kisses and backyard filth. For what it’s worth, your karma will be golden in your next Ravenloft campaign. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is Dungeons & Dragons.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A trip to Sage Park will end in shame when you’re challenged to a pickup game on the newly built basketball court. With limited skill and crippling social anxiety, the rout will leave you with a broken spirit and ankles. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is a third nipple.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Trapped in a fishing net, you’ll be forced to learn to communicate with aquatic animals. Unfortunately, your pleas will be ignored after a group of bass determine your life-and-death struggle is a satisfying irony. Your uncovered pre-existing condition is jungle fever.