Libra (9/23-10/22) — Exactly nine months after Tucka plays BayFest there will be an insanely high number of babies born … not just human babies. There will be squirrel babies, raccoon babies and whatever animals live within earshot of Tucka’s performance. The potency of Tucka’s smooth R&B might have been the secret weapon that got Sandy Stimpson elected mayor since Tucka performed in one of his last rallies. If you don’t want babies or to be in politics, make sure to wear earplugs around 8 p.m. on Friday.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Another BayFest, another year sneaking backstage, drinking all you can see and trying to hookup with some band member. This year will be more successful since you won’t end up locked in a port-o-potty AND you’ll hook up with the older sibling of one of the band’s sound guys. Things are looking up! But that’s only on Friday night. There is plenty of time to embarrass yourself Saturday and Sunday.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You will meet a famous person during BayFest … but it won’t be the person you think it is. If you had to bet your life on it, you will have met one of the people from “Duck Dynasty.” For some reason when you tell the celeb how much you love his show, he won’t be too excited. That’s when someone clues you in you’ve just met Zac Brown of Zac Brown Band and current Lagniappe cover boy. Beards are tricky sometimes.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After thinking about getting a dog, you’ll finally take the plunge. While skimming some ads and articles in Lagniappe, you’ll read about an apparent puppy adoption going on downtown. It isn’t until you pay to get into the BayFest gates you realize Sick Puppies and Pick of the Litter are bands and not adoption sites. Before you realize though, you will adopt a partially housebroken bass player.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Walking through the crowd at BayFest you’ll notice a man nearly on the edge of exhaustion. That would be Mobile’s own Blair Shotts, who will be playing drums for three bands on Saturday during BayFest. Staggering in the crowd, his eyes will be unfocused and he’ll just be muttering, “One, two, three, four…” Help out a native Mobilian and get him a drink stat. It’s what Joe Cain would have done.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Little Big Town is neither little, big or a town and that will hit you when some particular substance takes effect. Trapped in a state of shock and enlightenment, you’ll look at other BayFest band names. Kellie Pickler does not appear to be pickled, Drive By Trucker must not be good delivery people since they would never stop. This line of thought could take you places — until you get to Godsmack. Be prepared to walk around downtown with your mouth open wide in amazement.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You will anger the lead singer of Filter by saying, “Hey! I can to take your picture! So you can remember!” over and over again. Will he go out in the crowd to harm you? Possibly. Will other people harm you? Yes. You will get to be driven off on one of those golf carts though. It would be kind of cool if you weren’t strapped to a stretcher board. Let that be a lesson why you shouldn’t mix “Riot Juice” with baby Tylenol.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — During BayFest 2013, you’ll spend an awful lot of time with teenage girls. It’s not in a way that will get you in trouble. Ever since seeing Robert Duvall in “The Apostle” you’ve been obsessed. And guess who was in the movie. Hunter Hayes. And guess who is playing at 9:30 p.m. on Friday. Hunter Hayes. And guess who you’ll track down hoping to ask questions about the movie. Hunter Hayes. It’s probably not a good idea to start off the conversation with Duvall’s quote, “You’re going to Heaven. I’m going to jail and you’re going to Heaven.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will miss most of BayFest due to driving around downtown trying to find a good, free parking spot. At one point you’ll end up on the Cochrane–Africatown Bridge and to be honest, you’re not sure how. Passengers who are future former friends will abandon your car by the “drop and roll method.” In total, you will spend 85 percent of BayFest in your car, 5 percent walking to the festival and 10 percent at concerts.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Oh the things you will see. From mom jeans to straw cowboy hates and from Ed Hardy to shirts with flames. Now you had every intention to go to see some bands, but you’ll barely get past the gate watching the people. Things will get a little awkward when you realize a crowd of young hipsters are laughing at your non-tight jeans. How rude. Where are people’s manners?
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Most people go to BayFest for the music and people watching, but you go for one thing and one thing only — BayFest vendors’ food. While Zac Brown Band is singing about fried chicken, you’ll be eating some fried meat type thing and on a stick. Delicious! Of course after the week your body will have some retribution on you forking in pounds of fried goodness, but you live for BayFest weekend. Live it up.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Your mission for BayFest is to find out where R. Kelly’s after party and hotel lobby are. Ever since you hear “Ignition (Remix)” in 2003, you knew you need to find R. Kelly, bounce on 24s, watch “Murder She Wrote,” drink coke and rum and then go find a kitchen to ignite. At least that’s what you think R. Kelly does in the song. There might be some sort of pillow fight in his hotel room after all of that, but you’re not too sure. Don’t forget a towel.
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