Now that local elected and appointed officials are openly beefing like children on social media, you are assured the art of civil discourse is conclusively dead. No longer worried about political correctness or correctness in general, your South Alabama heritage will shine as you feel free to curse liberally, flip the bird often and pick fights as a first resort. Having not been taught otherwise, local children will adopt the behavior, leading to municipal elections two generations from now in which the mayor successfully campaigns on a platform of “Eight Mobiles.”
Two years from today, the city will become overrun with a fat squirrel army because of all the free food given to them by people in area parks. At first they’ll appear cute, but after a while they’ll attack, leaving heartbreak in their wake. In an attempt to end the siege, you’ll meet with the squirrel leader to try to agree to a ceasefire. You’ll get the squirrels to leave parkgoers alone in exchange for all the acorns they can eat. The truce will last for months, but the anticipation of another battle will eventually drive everyone nuts.
With funds being tight around the house, you’ll develop a new system where you bully co-workers for lunch money. Not dissimilar to school playground antics, you’ll give wedgies and threaten swirlies to colleagues smaller than you in an attempt to buy yourself a sandwich. Also similar to the schoolhouse, you’ll eventually get busted and sent to your boss’ office. You won’t have to worry about lunch for a while, as you’ll be attending harassment seminars for the next month and a half.
You’ll be one of the lucky few to actually move to Ted Cruz’s home country of Canada once Donald Trump becomes president. Everything will be great, at least at first, but Bernie Sanders will soon become your next door neighbor. What was a peaceful life, full of poutine and sweaters, will become a nightmare. The old man won’t stop talking about how corrupt Wall Street is and how great free college would be. You’ll quickly return to the U.S. for some good old-fashioned authoritarian leadership.
You will be excited to become one of only a handful of Americans to be among the first colonists on Mars. Starting next year, you’ll begin a decade-long preparation for the trip by living in various small rooms with a large group of people to get acclimated to life in a space capsule. Just days before liftoff, you’ll back out of the trip when you learn your favorite TV show will return for another season. You’re a stickler for a good conclusion.
Let down again by season 4 of “House of Cards,” you get to work writing your own made-for-TV political thriller. Audiences will be transfixed by the ruthlessness of the Dilcox family, whose control over the South Mobile County Mosquito and Horsefly Protection Authority involves corruption, fraud and occasionally even murder. But the family’s stranglehold will begin to unwind after a tragic accident involving the patriarch, who was dragged to his death after his dirty wife-beater shirt became entangled in a combine during the annual cotton harvest.
Inspired by one man’s tale of addiction, recovery and redemption, you vow to finally rid your life of dehydrated meat snacks. Appealed by their low calorie count but appalled by their high sodium content, the final straw was not a warning from a cardiologist, but rather the purchase of a moldy teriyaki stick from the discount convenience store across the street from work. It will take weeks for the cravings to subside, but your resolve will be jeopardized by a new bacon and bleu cheese variety.
Having hit the bar a little too hard at a wedding reception for a colleague, you decide there’s no better time to furiously text your ex to explain all their shortcomings as a significant other. Building your case in a withering litany of successive messages, you begin to feel vindicated of any wrongdoing in the fundamentally unhealthy relationship. You are emboldened by the all-you-can-eat buffet and camaraderie among the guests, but once the hate flows through you, you’ll realize what a huge mistake you’ve made and beg for forgiveness. There is a restraining order in your future.
You’ll hate the first “Ghostbusters” film reboot trailer, not because you’re a sexist who disapproves of the all-female cast or a traditionalist bound by your love of the original films, but because you have an irrational fear of poorly designed CGI ghosts. It’s bad enough the movie will feature the “comedy” of Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy, but throw in ghosts that look like they were created in Microsoft Paint and it becomes a recipe for night terrors and years of therapy.
As Donald Trump’s bid for the Republican presidential nomination begins to seem inevitable, you’ll decide to revive your 1980s political punk band, The Rea-Guns, in protest. The reunion won’t be easy, though, since Jerry the bassist recently joined the Common Sense Campaign, Tommy the drummer became a youth pastor in Baldwin County and lead guitarist Boomer moved to Colorado to sell legal weed. But once regrouped, the band’s new song “Tiny Hands and a Big Stupid Mouth” will be the smash hit of the summer.
Peyton Manning’s retirement will inspire you to announce your own retirement from being a stay-at-home dad. At one time you were great at the job — changing diapers, opening Lunchables — but lately you feel beaten down and tired. Like Manning, you’re a shell of your former self, propped up by a younger, more focused babysitter taking up the slack after your unfortunate diaper changing injury. You’ll miss the good days, but when the kids get explosive diarrhea you’ll be smiling from the golf course.
An office debate will affirm what you already suspected to be true — most of your co-workers are racist against green people. When the office’s lone green person leaves for vacation, everyone will debate who will take up the slack while he’s gone. Your cubicle mate, Dave, will threaten to quit if asked to touch the green’s keyboard, but ultimately the boss will force all of you to share the man’s duties. In the end you’ll all be better off knowing it’s not easy being green.
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