Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll join the #StarbucksRedCup protest when you find feces smeared into the likeness of Santa Claus in the bathroom at one of the 15 Starbucks locations on your block. You don’t care what the latte purveyors use for cup decorations, but a poop Santa is just too much. Following a #hungerstrike, in which you vow to resist Starbucks’ bacon and gouda breakfast sandwich for a week, you’ll call the for the resignation of the local shop’s manager, Ted, for his refusal to clean up the #pooSanta.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — At a family gathering you’ll spill the beans about Santa Claus in front of your niece and nephew. In an effort to save face, you’ll decide to go ahead and ruin some other family secrets as well. You’ll tell one of the kids that his dad’s friend, “Uncle Terry,” is his real dad. Your niece will be sad to hear that pro wrestling is fake and grandma’s famous dressing came from Piggly Wiggly. The tirade gets you banned from future family events, which isn’t so bad after all.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You will have a bad week. A coworker will pitch a fit and angrily destroy a dozen doughnuts you brought to the office on Monday. You’ll anger your boss after instigating a loud argument at the office about whether or not hot dogs are sandwiches. Your name will be leaked by Anonymous hackers as part of a document dump related to FarmersOnly.com. You’ll get food poisoning a week after eating raw oysters at a festival at the beach.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With the governor’s recent announcement to leave gambling laws up to local officials, you’ll be super excited to hit up Mobile’s newest gaming option — the electronic betting stations at participating Subway restaurants. While slot machines are obviously illegal, the district attorney will determine that a game played by betting money on which toppings Subway customers might choose takes a considerable amount of skill. As has always been the case with Subway, you’re bound to leave with a lot of “lettuce.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After growing tired of reading headlines about sexual assaults and domestic violence allegations against football stars at every level of the sport, one of your more politically correct friends will finally decide to boycott the game all together. While he enjoys taking up new and productive hobbies, you’ll continue to spend your weekends the way every real American should — drinking all day, ignoring your family and getting unprecedentedly upset about things that have no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After it’s revealed Hillary Clinton did not send or receive top-secret material via her personal email server, you and countless other Americans will have to go back to the drawing board to find yet another reason to call for her arrest. While disliking her demeanor, policies and husband are all valid reasons to oppose her politically, suggesting she “ought to be indicted” just sounds cooler. For that reason, you’ll spend the next few weeks anxiously awaiting the finding of a ninth congressional investigation into Benghazi.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Based on the success of a certain presidential candidate, you’ll release a radio ad featuring terrible rhymes the people who support you will call rap. Of course, the people who would buy your products anyway are thrilled with your attempt to be “cool,” but it’ll miss with the target demographic, which in this case includes fans of music in general. Like something out of a Hitchcock movie, the rap will send several fans to the hospital. To make a long story short, don’t release rap ads.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Two months after NASA discovered what it believes to be an alien superstructure, visitors from another world make landfall on Earth. They won’t be green, or grey, but will look and act much like human hipsters. Because of this, the Earth will soon sell out of anything “hand-crafted,” including old-fashioned bicycles and mustache wax. Their raw vegan sensibilities will also result in an extreme drop in the price of bacon and a rise in the price of kale. You’ll quickly snatch up all the bacon and sell your kale stock to the highest bidder.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After weeks of enduring a barrage of Halloween candy at the office, a coworker’s nice gesture of bringing doughnuts to the office will send you into a rage. Upon seeing the box of a dozen sorted, sweet pastries, you’ll have a temper tantrum and begin flinging the glazed goodies all over the office kitchen. You’ll sarcastically draw a smiley face with jelly and set fire to the box. The incident will result in tears and a visit to HR the next morning.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Reading that the Mobile County School Board leases surplus property to various businesses and industries, you decide to troll them with a proposal to host an outdoor, holistic charter school for hunter-gatherers. Despite a lack of STEM curriculum, your idea will receive overwhelming support from an influential contingent of doomsday preppers, including a perpetual Tea Party candidate for Congress who is always heaping praise on smaller government.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — As a resident of Baldwin County who appreciates freedom from municipal ad valorem tax, you laugh maniacally after your voting fraud scheme results in the slim defeat of Spanish Fort’s annexation referendum. Turns out, it was easy to fool poll watchers in the young city, who failed to question the fake mustache and counterfeit passport that got you into the booth a second time. But the victory was sealed on your third attempt, with a brilliant sleight of hand involving a small purple pocket linen and a hard-boiled egg.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Anxious of impending early holiday deadlines, you attempt to remove yourself from work obligations altogether by infecting yourself with an aggressive strain of Vibrio. While your initial effort to contract the virus by consuming copious amounts of raw oysters will fail, you will set a new competitive eating record at Wintzell’s. Eventually, you are bedridden from exhaustion right through Thanksgiving. But in your absence, a Jewish investor buys half the company, leading to a month-long Christmakah with no end in sight.