Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — News that your nemesis Hillary Clinton is running for president gives you an opportunity to show a less experienced humor writer how to use puns effectively. Your efforts prove rewarding when the conservative blogosphere promotes your line of witty T-shirts, bumper stickers and coffee mugs featuring such memorable one-liners as “Head for the Hills!” “It’s all DownHillary from here!” and “He hasn’t been faithful, but she hasn’t BENGHAZI.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) —Finally with some spare time, you’ll decide to follow your dreams and develop a smartphone application. For personal reasons, the app will measure “rage data” to make sure others avoid a similar fate as yours. When your rage gets to a point where throwing objects is unavoidable, the app will tune your phone to a lite mix Pandora station. As a selling point, you’ll convince everyone around you that your addiction to death metal was the reason for your recent arrest.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll start to become depressed at the situation. For one, the state of the Alabama prison system is such, even in 2030, that you’ll share a cell with seven other inmates. The state legislature will keep trying to pass reforms, but initiatives fail because of a lack of empathy for prisoners. You’ll eventually decide to start tunneling to freedom and the plan will be hatched. The first step is to try and get a guard at the state prison drunk on toilet wine you’ll make using gravy mix and a plastic spoon.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Once your porn career really takes off in the Nevada desert, you’ll become known by fans of your work as Misty Crotchfield. The rigors of filming will get to you though and you’ll retire after starring in only 150 adult films. You’ll move to Fairhope upon retirement because that’s what everyone does. You’ll spend the rest of your days complaining about young people and their skateboarding. You’ll be very unhappy.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You’ll be searing over your coworker’s apparent lack of a sense of humor, but you’ll quickly forget about it as the weekend approaches. You’ll gleefully prepare for your beach vacation, even though your cheeseburger gut will be nowhere near ready for swimsuit season. That fact will be evidenced the day you’ll hit the water, only to be followed by concerned members of the local manatee watch group. The lesson is, you should’ve taken that statewide weight loss competition a bit more seriously, you lazy slob.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — Eager to be influential before the state’s current legislative session comes to a close, you devise a sort-of gambling plan that will generate massive amounts of revenue and simultaneously cut expenses. Essentially, it’s The Most Dangerous Game, and all citizens are automatically enrolled as prey. Those wanting to hunt or opt-out can pay fees, but the poor must rely on their cunning to survive. Despite widespread acceptance from lawmakers, the Justice Department will stop the plan in its tracks. But it’s all good because FOX News will offer you a lucrative contributor contract for your insights on social justice.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — After discovering Wal-Mart’s entire corporation has no customer service that isn’t a prerecorded message, you’ll become enraged and drive to Bentonville, Arkansas for some vigilante justice. Wielding nothing but three-day-old grudge you’ll charge the doors of the corporate headquarters screaming, “You can’t tackle complicated digital pre-orders without first training a technologically-literate staff.” Though not the most attractive, the succinct message carries some weight as the Walden’s quickly announced a merging with Geek Squad. Now your “Big Bass Tracker” has access to all the tech support your can imagine.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — After promising your mom’s friend you’d help her move into her “newly-single” apartment, you’ll slowly realize the lady you used to refer to as “Aunt Ginny” is making not-so-subtle passes at you. Disturbed, you’ll start to hide you face in the heavy furniture you’re moving but will ultimately trip and drop an antique vase. Ginny, her attitude quickly changing, will reveal to you why her fickle nature has recently landed her in a one bed two bath. Your back strained, you’ll leave Oldwood Apartments hoping to forget the incident and realizing the Internet has created some unrealistic expectations.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — With what seems like a new candidate every hour, you’ll decide to throw your own hat into the ring for the impending Republican presidential primary. With a commitment to fiscal conservative logic and a slew of snarky comments about Michelle Obama, you’ll take to the Twittersphere to announce your candidacy only to find out you have some skeletons in your closet you conveniently chose to forget. It’s only a matter of minutes before Reddit digs up those pictures of you in leather chaps Lenny swore he’d never show to anyone.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After have a few drinks a Lucky’s Irish Pub, you’ll start playing a game of darts. Though you’ll fancy yourself a dartsmith, the guy who you’ll accidentally hit in the back will not concur. In fact, the gentlemen will perceive you to be so inefficient he’ll offer to train you on the spot — throwing darts at your face and physically chasing around the bar. . . to improve stamina of course. After a rigorous practice, he’ll even help you hit the showers in the sense that he’ll hold your head in a urinal for three to five minutes.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Initially surviving more than a week of torrential downpours relatively unscathed, the moist environment gradually agitates your pre-existing case of swimmer’s ear. With fluid sloshing around your inner-ear, you are affected by spontaneous bouts of vertigo. Uncomfortable at first, you begin to embrace the sensation. Like a hallucinogenic drug, if it weren’t so dangerous, it would almost be fun. You’ll avoid treatment until you’re involved in a minor fender bender with a cop car. The DUI will be dismissed after you produce your medical records.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Disturbed by the news that your childhood idol Nelly was arrested on felony drug charges, you organize a fundraising campaign to contribute to his criminal defense. With a few other fans on board, the decision is made to form a cover band named “Jelly” and host a tribute concert. Unfortunately your spot-on performance of the 2002 hit “Hot In Here” generates a cease-and-desist order from BayFest for violating its non-compete clause, and your risque dance moves during “Work It” results in a defamation lawsuit from Smuckers.