Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be considered a distraction at work a day after a copy of your most recent shopping list becomes public. Random internet people will be amused by your lack of spelling knowledge and the bad life choices displayed by the random assortment of items on the sad list.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When your significant other plans an emergency trip, you’ll be forced to celebrate your birthday alone. The burger and the whiskey will taste sweet and you’ll be able to binge “Squid Game” all night. It’ll be the best birthday ever.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Drunk and wanting a midnight snack, you’ll stumble wildly around your dark house in search of vittles. You’ll bump your head on the spice cabinet and back into the cold metal fridge in a daze. You’ll give up and go to bed hungry, but in about 500 years you’ll still be celebrated.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — When the Mobile City Council approves the new zoning code, an oversight will result in your house being moved outside city limits. Given this information, you’ll stock your front yard with goats and mini horses and actively flaunt noise restrictions. You’ll soon be annexed by force.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — The success of Freedom Fest in Orange Beach will inspire you to come up with ideas for other guideline-flaunting celebrations. You’ll introduce the Baldwin County community to a number of norm-bending parties like Slap-A-Palooza in Spanish Fort and the Push-In-A-Crowd Fest in Fairhope. It’ll be a grand time.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You hang around the film crew parking lot hoping to be cast as an extra in a locally produced Hollywood feature. Out of nowhere, you bump into Richard Tyson doing the exact same thing. Neither of you is hired, but within 30 minutes, you’ve jointly written the screenplay for “Three Moon Junction.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Afraid Amazon isn’t going to deliver more desirable presents by Christmas, you open a workshop and begin to craft wooden toys. It’s a kind gesture, but the children of Mobile will be so disappointed on Dec. 25 they’ll convert to Judaism.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an attempt to repair the tarnished image of Ghostface from the “Scream” franchise, you don the ubiquitous mask and set about the community performing honorable public service. Things go swell until you’re suddenly stabbed 100 times by somebody in a Guy Fawkes mask.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Here’s a radical idea you forward to the University of South Alabama Board of Trustees: How about having no president at all? If you’re worried about falling enrollment, imagine how attractive the rebranded University of Socialism and Anarchy will be to the growing woke mob …
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll venture out to the Semmes Fall Festival to enjoy the day with your kids. You’ll be shocked to find some vendors are charging money to play games at their booth — 50 cents to spin a top. You are pleased to find many have already given up attempting to collect. Your 3-year-old son will want to talk to the fire department’s dalmatian mascot to ask if he lives in the smoke simulation trailer. Mid-question, the firefighters rush off as they’ve been called out on an emergency.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You will check your cell phone and discover the University of Alabama is losing to an unranked team at halftime. You’ll immediately purchase a subscription to watch the rest of the game on your phone. Your day will end surprisingly better than it began.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Your family’s fall photoshoot will end in disaster when two-thirds of your children pass out from heatstroke. Turns out matching flannels are not the best outfit choice in mid-October in Alabama. Better luck this winter.
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