Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Your innocent 311 call to report a nuisance limb blocking the sidewalk will result in the entire neighborhood threatening to rise up and expel you. The city will expeditiously diffuse the matter after neighbors threaten to chain themselves to the branch and go on a hunger strike, but it’s on now! You suddenly become the neighborhood’s most fastidious anonymous watchdog, calling the hotline daily and disguising your voice to report all manner of violations, from pruned azaleas to a house that has faded from forest green to “more of an artichoke green.”
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – A request for something simple will evolve into a drawn-out, drag-ass, piss-and-moaning match. Their side will openly complain about the request while colluding to buy more time, and somebody is going to get liberal with ALL CAPS in a very emblematic email. Stick with it though, eventually tempers will cool and you’ll get what you want. Then everything will go back to the way it has always been and probably always will be.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – You’ll be the life of the Fourth of July party, arriving early in red, white and blue jorts with your own cooler, Styrofoam of course. You don’t care what’s on the agenda as long as it includes drinkin’, a bottle rocket war, watermelon, and blowing up watermelon. You’ll hand giant Pixie Stix to all the young kids, smoke bombs and Roman candles to the teenagers, and a handful of illegal M-80s your quiet nephew Eli. You lounge in an inner tube to watch the fireworks and say “yeah!” after every one.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You decide to start attending public meetings in Bayou la Batre just to see what all the fuss is about. They start cordially enough, but somewhere between the Pledge of Allegiance and the second or third agenda item they devolve into something resembling a cable-access rip-off of the Jerry Springer Show. Before you know it, you’ll start chiming in, because you’ve been convinced you’re also an expert in everything.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Just when you thought you had shaken it, that Police song gets stuck in your head – again. There was a time, earlier in your life, when you really appreciated Sting. But lately, you find him intolerable and for this very reason alone. You still respect his songwriting, innovation and adaptation through the years, but like some other people who you’ve grown up with, the more you hear it, the more you begin to despise his voice. You wish he would get the “de-do-do-do, de-da-da-da” the hell on.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – A fellow master gardener gets all jealous of your mad vegetable skills after you post a bunch of photos of your spring harvest on Instagram. They coyly approach you for some tips, but are really more interested in plundering your seed bank. Luckily, you know a nefarious gardener when you see one, and you turn the tables by convincing him your secret compost ingredient is rock salt.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – Your boss will implement a penalty system at work that is strangely similar to the one FIFA employs during the World Cup. In an effort to take advantage of this, you will “flop” every time Denise walks past you in the office. Your second dive results in a “red card” for her and a forced day off without pay. You, however, will be saddled with your own red card after you fail to refill the coffee pot. The intern bites somebody and gets suspended.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – What you will have convinced yourself is cardiac arrest and a long-awaited meeting with your savior, will actually just be bad indigestion. You won’t know about the minor cause for your intense concern until a doctor begins to giggle during a hospital visit. He will write you a prescription for “shut the hell up,” before letting the nurses laugh at you. The ridicule you will face doesn’t end there. Your significant other and your children will also find much joy in your mistaken diagnosis.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You will join a local roller derby league, but immediately regret the decision after you become the object of ridicule for your chosen name of Skatie Holmes. You will try to change the name to Jackie Joyner Hearsey, but with no luck. You will get emotionally and physical demolished in your first match with the Port City Punishers and quit the team. But the investment in hot pants and skates won’t be a complete disaster because your sex life will immediately improve.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You’ll be walking in high cotton after General Motors finally decides to recall every single one of its cars next week. Your family’s dealership will be making bank on all the repairs for the foreseeable future, and you’ll finally be able to admit you’ve never felt safe in the Camaro your dad gave you. After completely rebuilding the cars, you’ll return them to a slue of loyal, but foolish GM customers. However, the competition will soon be back on your tail when GM starts recalling cars they didn’t even make.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – After making an unprecedented number fishing trips to the Gulf to stock up, you’ll find you’re one of the few who aren’t excited about Alabama’s expansion of red snapper season. Once you do the math, you’ll realize there’s no way you can sell enough black market fish to cover the cost of 839 Yeti coolers and 12,627 gallons of fuel. Despite the setback, your inner entrepreneur will kick in as you promptly attempt to blow each fish up with a basketball pump to pass them off as puffer fish.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Joining a depressingly high number of failed college graduates, you’ll finally start your own photography business with a camera no better than the one on your phone. After a grandmother with a Nikon D610 shows you up at your first wedding gig, you’ll shift a lot of your focus to postproduction development. Tragically, it becomes quickly apparent your only skill is turning eyes blue in sepia-tone portraits. Despite those setbacks, you get a stack of Vistaprint cards and a Facebook page and go to town. Live, laugh, love.