Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Getting your dates mixed up, you’ll accidentally launch into a protest for police reform during a meeting of the Mobile Tree Commission. Surprisingly, the members will agree to join your cause if you help come up with a chant showcasing the plight of legacy oaks.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Realizing your wife will ultimately share every detail of your life with your mother-in-law anyway, you’ll bypass the middlewoman and set up a daily call with the matriarch herself. Before long, you’ll be spilling tea on everyone in the house … even the dog.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — It turns out four days of supervising an 8-year-old’s online classes will be enough to unravel your sanity. After the activities refuse to load for the third day in a row, you’ll drive up to school and try to fit your child through a mail slot until the police show up.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After players for the Alabama Crimson Tide lead a Black Lives Matter protest on campus, you’ll make a killing buying and then reselling Daniel A. Moore paintings as they’re discarded by angry fans. The new owners will still be tacky, but are apparently less racist.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After the Biden/Harris campaign begins integrating advertising into the ecosystem of video games, you’ll realize there’s officially nowhere else to go to escape politics. Concerned, you’ll attempt to drown your sorrows with an ice-cold Trumpwiser beer.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — When conservative backlash causes #defundNPR to trend on Twitter, you’ll waste no time jumping on board. Though you don’t disagree with NPR politically, you’ll use the opportunity to protest any radio station that plays classical chamber music for six hours a day.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll quit your job without notice after a co-worker refuses to stop microwaving fish in the office. You’ll grow concerned when the stench follows you home and eventually realize you’ve been unemployed and stuck at home since March and are actually microwaving the fish yourself during a daily, recurring fugue state.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll bear witness as the Alabama Department of Public Health’s plan to reintroduce buffets ends in calamity. A latecomer, you’ll avoid the worst of it yourself, but will see loved ones trampled, others accosted with ladles and at least one man drown in a chocolate fountain.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With the college football season close enough to taste, you’ll take it upon yourself to enforce social distancing and masking requirements on the campus of your favorite team. Ironically, after inadvertently injuring a student, you’ll be banned from games for life.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The first night of a new diet will go poorly after you stress-eat a bowl of ice cream at 1 a.m. Still, you’ll convenience yourself the calories you burned during an hour of shame-crying probably made the whole evening a wash.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Tired of having your plans for a multifamily housing complex denied by the city, you’ll invent a new floating foundation, which will allow you and others to have apartments and other buildings that hover above land. It’ll make current zoning laws impossible to enforce and will open up a lot of public park space.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Taking a misguided cue from Adele, you, a White person, put your hair in cornrows, don a kente cloth and begin planning your 2020 Kwanzaa festivities. After you’re canceled by social media on Dec. 26, you’ll be hired as the new vice president of cultural outreach at the Rachel Dolezal Center for Unity.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).