Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Complaints about the mundane nature of your cooking will hit home hard and send you on a quest for a variety of unusual sauces and spices. You’ll visit the “International” aisle at Publix and smuggle many delicious items back across the border. Your family’s palette may not be ready for your sweet and sour sea bass, though.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Watching New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s entire career unravel from rampant accusations of bullying and sexual harassment has you searching the memory banks for your own misuses of power and sexuality. Fortunately, you’ll remember you’ve never had either of these prime ingredients necessary for being canceled. Still, let’s try not to giggle so much every time you see someone eat a hot dog.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A beautiful sunny day on the water will be ruined when it takes two hours to get a hamburger at a riverside restaurant. Things will really escalate when the manager tosses you into the water in the middle of your expletive-filled rant about service. On the positive side, you’ll be safe to swim since you haven’t had anything to eat.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — With legalized gambling looking like a positive, you’ll decide to make your play to get in on the big bucks. You’ll declare your property a sovereign nation and offer the state a “compact” whereby you can hold casino-style gambling events in your garage and the state gets an up-front payment of $1,500. Remarkably, the Legislature will go for it. They get excited about any kind of cash payment. By next May, Wayne Newton will be performing in your living room.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Watching the “Allen v. Farrow” documentary has you so outraged you’ll take your entire Woody Allen film collection, stuff it in your garbage can and set it on fire. Unfortunately, in your rage, you’ll accidentally use your neighbor’s can and you’ll end up giving him yours and having to use the melted remains of his at your house. Still, it’ll be worth it once you have room to display your Brendan Fraser film collection.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be relieved to learn a new fish packaging plant near your house will actually not pump the smell of uncooked seafood into the air along the I-65 beltline. That means the only fishy smell will continue to come from the seedy hotels in that area.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After hearing Dr. Seuss books are being discontinued because of racist imagery, you head to the nursery to find out what other kinds of hurtful books lurk there. You’ll wonder how you didn’t see it before — just about all children’s books are filled with racist or otherwise painful imagery! You’ll start the purge by tossing a pantless Winnie the Pooh immediately into the wastebasket before he can sexually harass anyone else!
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Following the teachings of Q, you’ll prepare for Donald Trump’s reinstatement as president this Thursday. When that doesn’t happen, you’ll immediately forget about it and move on to the next mystical pronouncement from Q — in five days, Tony Danza will commit to making a new sitcom called “Who’s STILL the Boss?” That will somehow lead to the arrest of all members of Congress.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In denial over the return to winter temperatures across the area, you’ll continue to wear shorts and T-shirts outside even in the cold, pouring rain. When you come down with a fever the next week, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — An avid prankster, you’ll set up the perfect ruse when you take your friend’s dog home and let her think Binky is lost. You’ll help her post about the missing pooch on social media and even help set a reasonable reward amount. It’s only after you see the photo attached to the post you’ll realize you grabbed the wrong dog. Ruh-roh.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Inspired by the nation’s first newspaper office/liquor store, you’ll convert your accounting firm into an office/coffee shop. The establishment called “Bean Counters” would allow customers to watch you and your colleagues work while sipping mochas in big, comfy chairs.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As an Alabama fan, you’ll forget what losing in competitive sports feels like. You’ll be on top of the college sports world and won’t care that you’ve started to completely ignore your family to the point where the significant other and children have packed their bags. You can’t be bothered while the Tide is on top.
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