Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll be first to take the friendly foreign skies when Mobile opens its new international airport in three years. It’ll feel super convenient to hop a plane to Paris just two miles from your home. However, the flight you board lands in Paris, Texas, and not France. It’s no wonder the tickets were so affordable.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With September fully taking hold of the calendar, you’ll be disappointed by the continued jaunt into the triple digits the area has experienced through surging heat indices. Be careful what you wish for though because once October hits, temperatures will immediately fall into the 30s before rising into the 80s again.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be at the center of suspicion at work this week after a nameless yogurt in the fridge disappears. It might be the paranoia painted across your face, or more likely, the dried strawberry goo on your cheek. Either way, Jill from shipping and receiving correctly accuses you of the deed.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In an attempt to become a social media influencer on Facebook, you’ll try to talk members of your family into trying a new skincare routine. Unfortunately, Aunt Esther is too busy watching “NCIS” reruns to care and Grandpa Ernest can’t figure out how to not write EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS. It’s a problem.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In need of a pandemic pick-me-up, you’ll adopt an older pooch from a shelter. Everything is great until you realize the dog stands still and points in the direction of your new iPhone for hours on end. When it rings, old Rover barks. You’ll soon find out he’s a retired phone-sniffing dog. He’s a nightmare on walks in the neighborhood.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that buffets are allowed again in Alabama, you’ll be invited by your aunt’s church group to dine this Sunday, following what is sure to be a rousing sermon by her 85-year-old pastor. Your days of simply throwing your hands up and quietly commencing your godless ways are over.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — When a local judge again gets rebuked for making an inappropriate comment while on the bench, you’ll try to use it to get out of the small mountain of parking tickets you’ve simply thrown in a pile in your garage. Unfortunately, you’ll find out too late that appeals courts don’t regularly take unpaid parking ticket cases. You’ll spend the next 10 years paying installments to the man.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be mocked nationwide when your Biden for President unicycle parade is thwarted by stormwater grates. After several participants become stuck, you plan a kayak armada for next weekend, because what could go wrong?
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Energized by Councilman Fred Richardson’s mayoral campaign, you collaborate with 3 Unborn Soulz for a fresh take on their 2012 local hit, “Sam Jones.” Using the same catchy beat, edgy new lyrics include, “Some people play the race card but that’s bull feces / I’ll wake your ass up with my two timepieces.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In an attempt to make a name for yourself in the drugstore paperback romance novel market, you consult with noted author Emerald Solitaire on your debut, “Scorned: A Pro-Domme Experience in City Hall.” The story follows the unlikely protagonist Malicious Malcontent, a comptroller who, in between filing financial reports, enjoys choking himself with the mayor’s neckties.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Now that Elite Airways is introducing passenger flights from Gulf Shores, you pack your bags and get ready for the vacation of a lifetime to Portland, Maine, “The Bayou La Batre of the Northeast.” Next year, you can’t wait for the departure to Fort Lauderdale, aka “The Jerusalem of Florida.”
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your spouse will be irate after discovering you drunk and asleep in the 75-inch inflatable pool you purchased for your dog. Security footage will later prove your furry companion could have also enjoyed the water if the only available space had not been filled with cheap beer.
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