Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – You will kick a friend off your local bar trivia team next week, after the so-called “geography expert” gets an autonomous but small country in the middle of Rome confused with an NFL Hall-of-Fame quarterback. When you ask him why he thought the Miami Dolphins’ legend was the answer to a geography questions, he will shrug. He will laugh as the rage builds inside you. To make matters worse, the error will put your team in second place. You’ve lost friends for less egregious errors.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – A rude bartender will incur your wrath next weekend. Granted, you will have had a few before the encounter takes place, but that still won’t excuse the tone used when you “accidentally” throw a beer in the face of the burley biker dude in the corner before making a run for it. After all, when are these people going to learn they work for tips and a little kindness goes a long way. You’ll be feeling superior when biker dude catches up to you and begins beating the hell out of you.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Angered by recent city budget proposals, you will walk into all of the local museums and demand to get in for free, since your tax dollars are paying a portion of their operating expenses. You will be denied access to all of the cultural centers and will decide instead to protest in the various lobbies. Your impromptu cycle of protests will end when Exploreum staff lets the penguins attack you. How’d they find out that penguins are your biggest fear?
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – You’ll make your way down to Dauphin Island for the SeaGrass Concert series this weekend and discover that you, like anyone with ears, love Jason Isbell. However, that love will be short lived after an attempt to gain access to the stage results in the singer/songwriter body slamming you back into the crowd. Had you been a fan longer, you would have known that recovering alcoholics have seen their share of bar fights.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – After leaving your phone at your new romantic interest’s house, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Not because of inappropriate texts or pictures, but because it will be the first time they realize you still have a Blackberry. When you next see them, they’ll confide in you that they “always assumed you had an iPhone but just didn’t take it out at the table.” The harsh realization of your inability to SnapChat will prove too much for love to bear. Brick Breaker will feel extra lonely next week.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – After the global water shortages caused by #alsicebucketchallenge take hold next week, you’ll take on a true challenge – desalination. Though you always assumed it would be a cakewalk to boil water at less than atmospheric pressure, you quickly determine it’s absolutely not. Relief is soon sent your way after the government implements laws restricting the use of water to those who actually sent $100 instead of wasting $3.50 on two bags of ice and low balling disease research with a ten spot.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Labor Day takes on a whole new meaning when you give birth to a great new idea at the grill. Dr. Zodiac can’t see all, but it seems to involve a marriage of Conecuh sausage and tofu steaks. Be wary of boasting about your inventions on social media, a “friend” is watching and waiting with a patent application.
Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – The threat of a civil lawsuit leads you to seek legal counsel. Without a phone book, you call the attorney whose ad you saw on the side of a municipal bus. They can’t help with the litigation, but do put up a convincing argument that you’ve been personally injured in an unrelated case. It’ll be the last time you respond to the catchphrase, “this must be Jamestown because I’m gonna get you a settlement.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – A former acquaintance sends an email to your work account out of the blue. It’s either a serious proposition or a cry for help – it’s a little ambiguous because the last time you saw the individual they were being perp walked on the evening news. You respond in earnest because that’s your style. Turns out they just wanted to know if you were at work so they could ransack your house.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Breaking Bad is officially over now that the show has taken home all the Emmy Awards they could ever possibly win, and you’ll try to move on with your life like a normal human being. However, your lingering obsession will come to a head when police raid your home on suspicions of meth use. Turns out it’s just your stash of blue Pop Rocks candy. You’ll feel embarrassed but super cool and hardcore all at the same time. At least you won’t end up on jail. Or dead. #RIPMrWhite
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Beware of autocorrect on your mobile device this week. Having used profanity numerous times in your text messages as of late will cause autocorrect to change seemingly innocent words to much more offensive language. Take heed when you decide to text about your good luck and how your boss sucks, or else you’ll be a dead duck when you have to face your significant other.
Libra (7/23 – 8/23) – Somehow you’ll get roped into writing horoscopes for a local publication. You’ll be shocked to learn that there is no crystal ball involved, but you’ll take on the job with pride and determination. This is finally your time to shine. After the first week on the job, you’ll notice all of your predictions come to pass. You’ll soon feel like your too good for measly written horoscopes, and you’ll start your own telephone-based psychic business. Your biggest hurdle will be coming up with a catchier name than Miss Cleo.