Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Despite your wife’s repeated urging, you’ll fail to secure a lantern, candles or extra food before a significant tropical event — leaving your family hungry and sitting in the dark. Though you survive the storm, FEMA will still count you among the “related casualties.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll join the rest of America in shock as a presidential debate hosted by professional dudebro Joe Rogan devolves into a Jiu-Jitsu match between President Trump and Joe Biden. Oddly enough, Biden’s victory will improve his polling with 8-to-46-year-old white males.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After canceling a planned trip to California due to the COVID-19 pandemic, you’ll be disappointed when a rescheduled excursion is disrupted by a massive outbreak of wildfires. After a hurricane derails all local flights before a third attempt, you’ll give up the idea and spend your vacation days planning for Armageddon.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Despite the restrictive COVID-19 protocols, you’ll have a great evening watching tennis. After strange looks, you’ll realize that without crowd noise for context, your neighbors probably arrived at their own conclusions about the four hours of loud grunting they heard.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After elbowing people at the Midtown Publix to get the last loaf of bread before Hurricane Sally, you feel a great sense of accomplishment. As you go to fix your first PB&J of the hurricane, you realize you ain’t got no PB or J. Just crack open a PBR instead.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After receiving a Peloton as a gift, you’ll begin to spend more and more of your time getting one-on-one instruction from the virtual trainer. It gets so intimate that in what could be described as a scene from “Her,” you’ll light candles, butter-baste a filet and slowly walk on the conveyor in a romantic stroll afterward.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Putting off a much-needed lawn-mowing will prove to be your downfall after days of hurricane rains strengthen your grass to the point of no return. After narrowly avoiding substantial flood damage, you’ll lose your home to centipede grass and kudzu.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Hoping to gain inspiration to write a soft-metal anthem, you tied yourself to an azalea bush to weather Hurricane Sally’s winds, along with your sweet Ovation guitar. Surprisingly the inspiration actually comes from being stung by yellowjackets living in the bush and sadness from watching your roundback guitar melt in the rain.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Hearing that Gov. Kay Ivey will award $10 million in CARES Act money to qualified tourist attractions, you install a set of coin-operated binoculars on your lawn so visitors can gaze upon the neighborhood’s blighted properties. Eventually, it becomes a must-see destination for school field trips from the Eastern Shore, where students are learning about urban decay.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll lose all cup privileges when you leave your significant other’s very expensive Yeti vessel at a work meeting. You will be forced to lap water straight from the tap in a humbling experience. You’ll start taping go cups to your hands from now on.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be disinvited from your neighborhood’s new neighbor party in two weeks, after doing shots and swimming down your street in your underwear following a very boozy hurricane party. You’ll hear from Nancy next door that if your neighbors could kick you out of your house they would.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In a pivot nobody saw coming, you’ll be hired as the postmaster general after helping get the U.S. Postal Service into the lunch game. After about a week of the unorthodox sandwich delivery, you’ll start to get complaints the food was smashed and arrived two days late.
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