Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — As a blogger keeping an eye on local government abuses, you’ll discover Daphne’s first DISC project tenant is cyber defense and artificial intelligence manufacturer Skynet. Following a shocking but not unexpected Terminator takeover of the Jubilee City, you’ll move your family to Fairhope, where the city council has strict regulations against android operation within the city limits and at the municipal pier. Unfortunately, Skynet will infiltrate the Shux Shuttle, which will become self-aware and drive unwitting disabled patrons off the pier and into the bay.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You won’t be able to contain your excitement upon hearing the news that Tom Cruise is coming to the Daphne Civic Center this weekend. You’ll purchase advance tickets to the event, which is sure to sell out, and ask your mom to wash and iron your vampire Lestat costume. A friend will try to convince you a politician is coming, not the “Interview with the Vampire” actor, but you won’t listen. When you arrive, Ted Cruz’s security detail will mistake you for an Edward Cullen impersonator.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As a registered Republican, you’ll be thrilled to hear Ben Carson and Donald Trump continue their threats to leave the GOP. While you’ll have concerns about the outsiders’ pre-election polls, you’ll be overjoyed with the knowledge that the party you believe in will live to see another decade. You’ll choose to be known as a RINO, as opposed to a fossil, and though distressed, you’ll feel encouraged for true conservatism — recalling the old adage about “winning the battle but the not the war.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Realizing technology has finally allowed for the creation of pre-wrapped slices of chocolate that resemble individual pieces of processed cheese, you’ll officially change your entire attitude about planet Earth. Wars in the Middle East, hungry children here at home and the realization that freedom is a trick society plays on you will become concerns of a bygone era now that you can make a chocolate sandwich in as few as three steps. Indeed, we do live in the best of times.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You and your fellow citizens in Mobile will finally start to pay attention to local politics after a decision to spend $1 billion on a spaceship made out of old marshmallows is approved by the County Commission. While the sheer lunacy of this single project will draw the attention of the community, the public outcry will seem odd considering the years that have passed with no concern given to similar amounts of funding being directed to projects equally as risible.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Due to the success of Riverside Ice, the city will propose a new initiative where they’ll cover all of the downtown streets with ice. You and a group of like-minded citizens will oppose the measure, arguing that streets were made for cars and placing ice on them would be dangerous and unnatural. Blown away by local response to not only the ice rink but to any new form of transportation, the City Council will unanimously approve the idea. The plan will eventually turn into an unexpected environmental crisis.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — ‘Twas the night before Christmas and you were sad to report/No money for presents due to municipal court./Many tickets were hung on your windshield with care/Because of parking spots you thought should’ve been there./You’ll go to the plaza to argue your case/The judge will firmly rule, pointing a gavel in your face./”Twenty days in jail!” the judge will say is the time/No hot cocoa with family because of this crime./Upon release, you’ll gather for a party at your place/Glad to be done with that miserable case.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After months of hearing ridiculous comments from both sides, you’ll decide to enter the race for the White House. While others will focus on combating terrorism, or the economy, your platform will be all about cheese. You’ll run to make soft cheeses more readily available for hard-working Americans. You’ll endorse deep-fried brie and serve caprese salads at $120-per-plate fundraising dinners. Your enthusiasm for all things ooey gooey will win you much acclaim and a lead in the polls. You’ll be forced out of the race when you condemn bacon. Rookie move.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Reading about Mobile’s new effort to combat urban blight, you decide to lend a little vigilante support. Since your road-building equipment has been idle amid increased scrutiny by a divided County Commission, you use the down time to employ a roving convoy of “midnight bulldozers.” While some question your legal authority, your efforts are commended by neighbors who fall asleep in a slum, but awake the next day in a freshly planted field of perennials.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — A recent viewing of “Spotlight” has you reflecting on your career and faith. As an involuntary member of Generation X, you have the distinct experience of remembering when daily newspapers were relevant and the Catholic church was not governed by some reformist, Jesuit hippie. Alas, in spite of the movie’s motivational theme, your life soon returns to normal, as you continue writing obscure horoscopes for the local alt-weekly and occasionally wander into mass where you sit quietly in the back hoping for some quasi-salvation.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Taking a cue from former Mobile County Commissioner Stephen Nodine, you decide to abandon any sense of personal responsibility. You will no longer allow annoying professional ambitions or family obligations to get in the way of having a helluva good time. Don’t worry that every probation officer between the Superdome and the Flora-Bama recognizes your swollen face, because you’ll find admirable role models behind bars, where accommodations are markedly better than your rental in downtown Chickasaw.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A dedicated Auburn fan, you’ll remain optimistic about the team and purchase tickets for the coveted Birmingham Bowl. In order to make the most of your Birmingham visit, you’ll go to Vulcan Park, where you can see the Greek god’s colossal bare butt under an iron skirt. You’ll visit Railroad Park, a dangerous downtown public park where hipsters take their children for Instagram photos. The game will be an afterthought after all the fun you had on your magical visit to the #MagicCity.