Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your new downtown restaurant idea will go stale quickly after the establishment opens. Being part of the hospitality industry is hard and especially so when your place is a breakfast and alcohol restaurant called “Bacon and Kegs.” Not everyone wants to be drunk in the morning, even in Mobile.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — News about an alligator crawling out of a storm drain in town is #SoMobile and is also just the spooky story you need this Halloween. Forget Pennywise — you can fight a demented clown, but a gator doesn’t mess around. Part of you also wonders if the alligator will be fined.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll approach Mobile’s Parks and Recreation Department about an event promising fake snow all over downtown. The event will be great at first until the fake snow covers Government Street and causes a Carmageddon.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Fatigued from too much family from the 18 months of the pandemic, you’ll propose to the in-laws that you’ll only celebrate one holiday together this year. Celebrated on Jan. 10, 2022, the festivities will include turkey, a tree, MoonPies and a countdown, just to get all the holidays in at once.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — When prices of Girl Scout cookies inevitably increase, you’ll attempt to manufacture black market Thin Mints in your basement. Neighbors will begin to get suspicious of your cookies when you sell them without a daughter present.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After a decade at the same church, you’re in the market for a new congregation. You’ll drop off your 3-year-old at the church you’re visiting and she will scream bloody murder and break down the door gate trying to get back to you. You won’t be showing your face around there again, but you have begun looking for local football programs.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You will receive an unwelcome phone call, and though you know what awaits on the other end of the line, you’ll feel obligated to answer. Three hours later, you can barely remain seated due to the ass-chewing you’ve been subjected to. You enjoy the rush, though, so you’ll probably pick up again next time.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Watching Mohamed Salah’s hat trick Sunday against Manchester United, you question the caliber of skill required to play as a full back in the Premier League. You’ve pulled out your old cleats and have decided to head out to the football pitch — excuse me, soccer field — this weekend.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll get a notice on Facebook Messenger that your old high school buddy has reached out to you. You’re sort of flattered that they have thought of you and you exchange life updates. Four messages in they will drop the bomb: They’ve “started their own business” and want to sell you Arbonne — better yet, they want to get you in on their pyramid scheme, er, they mean their “multilevel-marketing” team.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You bought a ticket to the University of Mobile Scholarship Dinner at the Mobile Convention Center, hoping to convince the guest speaker he should sign a scholarship offer with your favorite college. But you soon discover guest speaker Archie Manning has already used up his college eligibility and Arch Manning isn’t in the building.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You apply for the job as the new host of “Jeopardy!” and are surprised when you are called in for an interview. But during the interview you failed to offer your initial response in the form of a question and the interview is abruptly ended.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You plan to go to one of the MCPSS high school football games but those plans change when you can’t figure out where the game is actually being played. You ask around but keep getting conflicting reports — one group says one thing, another group something else — so you stay home and watch the World Series.
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