Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ve recently lost weight and are overcome with the belief that others need nearly daily social media evidence of your new shirtless, shaved-down bod. While your mid-life crisis will attract a new crew of bare-chested buddies, you’ll also become a local drinking game. An area ABC store will soon reach out to sponsor your shirtless FB posts.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your attempts to foster camaraderie among USA Jags season ticket holders in your section will bear fruit in coming games. Soon, where you sit will be known as a “super section” where everyone knows each other’s names and attends important family functions. Section 105 will become the family you never had. For six games.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — The craze of using animal dewormer to fight COVID will lead to an ugly inter-family fight when you decide to try it. The human members of your family will encourage your experimentation, but Rex, your 8-year-old Labrador Retriever won’t appreciate you trying to gobble down his heartworm meds. You’ll catch COVID at the ER while getting stitches for dog bites.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After finding out about City Council District 1 candidate Herman Thomas’ history of paddling young men when he was a judge, you’ll become a HUGE fan. The sound of wood smacking human skin has always appealed to you for some reason. In an effort to help Thomas win, you’ll stand out on Dauphin Street dressed as a judge paddling another of Hermie’s Helpers. You will cause three wrecks.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Believing Labor Day to be nothing more than a socialist attempt to help unions, you turned down your day off and showed up to work in an empty office. It seemed harmless, but now your boss expects you to work on every holiday. Ironically, you’ll have to turn to the union to get your holidays back.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With football season back, your off-season work concocting the perfect pre-game appetizer for your friends is about to come into play. Your feeling of pride will quickly give way to confusion and embarrassment when you hand disappointed guests an ice cold glass of beer blended with pizza, onion dip, a cheese board, M&Ms and Chex mix. Back to the drawing board.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Love is in the air for you, and you’re thinking this could be “the one.” Only one problem — your new lover pronounces your name incorrectly. Family and friends all give you strange glances when they meet your significant other and hear your name butchered. Worse yet, you’ll start to notice the only name this person doesn’t mess up is their own. Change your name to your lover’s and problem solved.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’re spending way too much time waiting for Nick Saban and Dion Sanders’ AFLAC commercials to end up head-to-head against Shaquille O’Neal and his ads for The General. You’re not even sure how commercials would compete with each other, but feel it’s destined to happen. You’re watching too much TV.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your fantasy football draft proved you haven’t watched the NFL since 1995. Drafting Dan Marino as your quarterback in the first round delighted the rest of the members of your league. The league’s punishment for coming in last is retaking the ACT. Start studying.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Inspired by the album cover kid from Nirvana’s “Nevermind,” you sue your own mother for taking a naked photo of you just moments after your birth. Not because it amounts to child pornography, you’re just ashamed your penis is still the same size.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You contract the world’s first known case of the Mu Mu variant after getting blackout drunk one night and waking up in a cow pasture. You tell the doctor you’ve already had a booster shot, but he recommends you have an udder.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll come into some money soon, but that’s not going to suddenly make you better at managing your budget. In fact, expect the opposite. Apparently the rich version of you likes yelling “Drinks are on me!” and picking up the tab for cute older couples you don’t know. The good news is you’ll blow through your wad in no time and half the town will owe you a drink.
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