Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll forget the sour cream while at checkout during an upcoming grocery trip. The extra excursion will force you to be one shopper away from Sarah Wall’s Fox10 surprise squad visit. You’ll leave your groceries on the belt and walk slowly out the door.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll open up an all mashed-potatoes restaurant in the new Publix shopping center at the intersection of Florida Street and Old Shell Road. A-Salt and Buttery will be a popular stop until you refuse to serve non-GMO potatoes. You’ll go out of business.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your coworkers will have a tough time next week after you quit without notice. Storming out in the middle of the day will seem cathartic, but you’ll ultimately regret the decision when you realize you forgot to sign out of Facebook in the rush to get out the door.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to fill vacancies at the Mobile Housing Board, you propose the “Students in Squalor” program. For every year college grads spend living in conditions worse than some developing countries, they’ll get an interest point deducted from their student loans.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Realizing your math skills are still subpar, you’ll go back to school with students decades younger than yourself. Initially explaining that you’re a teaching assistant, your cover will be blown when that nerd Sarah rats you out for peeking at her test answers.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Before summer can get by you without taking a vacation, you call in sick to work so you can fill up a kiddie pool and catch some rays in the backyard. Discouraged by the water displacement of your large frame, you’ll drown your sorrows in a bucket of ice cream.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Preparing for a statewide lottery, you conceptualize a new scratch-off card game. “You’re Broke!” pays out 10-to-1 if the lucky player finds a house, a book and a car when scratching. Unfortunately, they’ve lost their mortgage payment, kids’ college tuition and car in the process.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Excited about Ten Sixty Five, you’ll comb through a dusty CD tower to find your Counting Crows collection. What starts as a fun and nostalgic evening will evolve into a depressing night after you down a bottle of pinot noir and set “Color Blind” to repeat.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll land the “cultural sensitivity” position with the town of Dauphin Island after the “reggae week” event is deemed inappropriate. While celebrating the culture of “dat’ other island” may have seemed like a good idea, your task on day one will be explaining to the town council why it wasn’t.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Baldwin County will make the leap to 21st century election technology in November, hiring Predators to scan voters as they enter their polling precincts. Using a trademarked cloaking maneuver, the sentient extraterrestrials will be able to check the identity and general health of a voter without any disturbance.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The Mobile City Council will impose a new ordinance in the very near future because of your antics. Bored with simply playing regular disk golf at Langan Park, you’ll invent a more urban version of the game, where you throw Frisbees at bystanders downtown.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — With Olympic fever in full swing and the patriotism flowing, you’ll release a bald eagle off the top of the RSA Tower downtown. The stunt will raise a lot of questions for local authorities and unfortunately you’ll spend the closing ceremony behind bars.