Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Whether or not you avoid the Baldwin County rabies plague will depend almost entirely on your ability to outrun a fox. Since those chances are slim, be proactive and bite a fox first. Your lucky ice cream flavor is salted caramel pretzel.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — It will take a call to the president himself to settle whether Twinkle Cavanaugh or Will Ainsworth is the most MAGA of them all. The only other way to make up your mind is to just grab them by the p*ssy and see what happens next. Your lucky ice cream flavor is peanut butter swirl.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be subjected to a perp walk after you’re accused of Mobile County’s latest crime involving a miniature horse. Pro tip: throw the vulture media off their game by asking THEM the questions first. Your lucky ice cream flavor is rocky road.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll visit Kravers Seafood to taste the exotic sutchi fish. Turns out it’s not so bad, but you still have reservations about seafood substitutions after reading about “imitation calamari.” Your lucky ice cream flavor is strawberry.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — For a good time call David at 251-450-4466, but for a better time go to the inaugural MOB Music Fest this weekend. You may finally witness the long-awaited Underhill Family Orchestra collaboration with 2 Major Twinz. Your lucky ice cream flavor is butter pecan.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll bring a 64-ounce beer cup to an American Softball Association game so you can land a foul ball with room to spare. You know what to do next — chug it. Your lucky ice cream flavor is red velvet.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll look at side-by-side photos of Troy King and Steve Marshall and be unable to tell them apart. The real challenge will be trying to distinguish their platforms. Your lucky ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — It’s your turn to make Friday’s ArtWalk an ArtSashay, as you stroll down Dauphin Street sporting a new pair of jorts. You’ll be flattered, not offended, when a gallery owner requests to put your legs on display. Your lucky ice cream flavor is tie-dyed vanilla.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll attempt to break up a brawl at the USS Alabama this weekend, only to be told it’s a rugby match. A war memorial is no place for a pacifist. Your lucky ice cream flavor is birthday cake.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You don’t know why, but something feels romantic about people trapped in caves. Their rescue always invokes mixed emotions including relief and longing. Your lucky ice cream flavor is butter pecan.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Despite its best intentions, you’ll warn the petition to adopt a new form of government in Fairhope will cause World War III. It’ll be like “Spider Man 3” — pretty terrible to begin with but made worse with jazz dancing. Your lucky ice cream flavor is moose tracks.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You send a congratulatory card to Supreme Court justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Your message is simple: “Better you than me, pal.” Your lucky ice cream flavor is is chocolate chip cookie dough.