Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll enjoy a precipitous political rise when your plan to replace the bridge project with a giant car slingshot across the bay takes hold. While drivers will no longer be forced to pay a toll, the contraption will take a toll on their vehicles.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll make the mistake of willingly entering a discussion about the possibility of the Moon landing having been faked. Though it starts reasonably, you’ll decide to remove yourself when the gentleman starts repeatedly screaming: “WHY COME THEY DIDN’T FLOAT AWAY?”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be surprised to see a live interview with Gov. Kay Ivey, who, up until this point, you had assumed existed only in Montgomery’s warmest and most pastel war rooms. A few lines in, you’ll realize she’s actually a solid pick to run a state ranked 50th in education.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll miss an important deadline at your office because you were busy arguing with coworkers about the definition of the word “knapsack.” After the blunder your bosses will forbid everyone in your office from speaking to one another. You’ll be sad until you realize it will prevent you from having to smell Jeremy in accounting’s daily tuna breath.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Taking a cue from some of South Alabama’s most wealthy and cutthroat businessmen, you incorporate a dozen LLCs to purchase office equipment at the state of Alabama’s next surplus property auction. A gently used mouse pad will change hands four times before you resell it on eBay for a 6-percent profit. Not bad.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In your latest illegal bookmaking scheme, you take bets on the next hot-button issue Fairhope residents will be outraged about. While LED vs. incandescent Christmas lights will have favorable odds, the winner will be the lack of plastic grocery bags at the newest farm-to-table market.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Feeling a little confused after thinking that painting of Bill Clinton inside Jeffrey Epstein’s Manhattan apartment is actually somewhat attractive, you write a secret admirer letter to the former president. Surprisingly he’ll write back, enclosing a few Polaroids of hairy cleavage.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll make a rookie mistake and pregame before the Dauphin Street BeerFest. At some point between singing Ginuwine’s “Pony” at karaoke and accidently throwing a dart into someone’s carotid artery, you’ll eat a lukewarm, undressed hot dog that fell two seconds outside of the five-second rule.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be excited to watch No. 16 Auburn take on the No. 11 Oregon Ducks this coming weekend. However, after the Barn takes an early lead, you’ll find time to switch over to Alabama’s opening game against the William F. Green State Veterans Home.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — On your way home from buying your dog a birthday cake, you finally realize that you’ve developed a serious attachment problem. Perplexingly, your therapist will recommend exposure therapy — ordering you to lie in a kiddie pool full of mini Aussie puppies.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Attempting to sneak a cellphone into a court hearing, you’ll be reprimanded by the judge. Foolishly, you’ll remind the jurist that you “got rights” and become one of the lucky few who gets to see the Government Plaza detention cells outside of Mardi Gras weekend.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be shocked to learn a seat you hold on a normally inconsequential board could soon be leave you making a decision about the controversial I-10 Mobile River Bridge Project. Luckily for you, supporters and detractors alike are nuanced and well informed on the issue … you’ll also be stabbed.
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