GEMINI (5/21-6/21) — Now that the state legislature has adjourned its 2019 regular
session, you can breathe easy knowing you re- tained at least a handful of basic human rights. But don’t go flaunting them in public, lest they suppress us more in 2020.
CANCER (6/22-7/22) — Looking for some- thing to do to pass your spare time, you come
up with a list of hyper-local euphemisms for certain sex acts. For example, a “LoDa” is when you use warm, hot dog water as a lubricant. A “WeMo” involves certain relatives, once removed, and a “BaCo” is a public act, performed as if no one is watching.
LEO (7/23-8/22) — Sure June feels like August this year, but that won’t stop you from
opening up Mobile’s newest soup-only food truck inspired by Hootie and the Blowfish. “Only Wanna be with Stew” will open up to mixed reviews. Our own Andy MacDonald will give it a tepid review.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) — After years of being ridiculed for your beliefs, you’ll finally feel vindicated when you — and a plane full of
fellow passengers — notice a cigar-shaped, otherworldly craft hovering at 30,000 feet. Unfortunately, the government will already be in full spin mode by the time you reach your vacation spot.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) — Now that your Old Spice reaches its limits about four hours into a 12-hour work day, it’s time to switch to a more
effective deodorant for the summer season. When all other alternatives fail, you’ll discover perhaps the best use for Mobile’s ample sup- ply of coal dust.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) — Welcome to
that one week of the year where southern-
ers are reminded hockey is a real sport with real fans. While you can’t really appreciate the rivalry between the St. Louis Whoevers and the Boston Whatevers, you can order a cold Molson Ice from your bartender without too much akwardness.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) — After striking a beloved raccoon with a shovel, you’ll be per- manently banned from the city of Gulf Shores.
Despite claims of self defense, the beach com- munity will remain violently opposed to your presence for the foreseeable future.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) — Your business will take a hit after changing its logo for Pride
Month. You’ll lose a few people’s money but ultimately gain support from others who now know those D-bags won’t be there anymore. AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18) — Excited about a World Cup, you’ll play a game you discovered in the 2014: Take a shot for every American goal scored. Realizing the women’s team is actually good, you’ll pass out around lunch.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) — You’ll gladly fill in for your alma mater’s most powerful donor after
he pulls his funding over political disagree- ments. With the large endowment though, you’ll expect concessions from the major university, including renaming its mascot after your beloved pet alligator.
ARIES (3/21-4/19) — A miscommunication at work will result in you absorbing more than your fair share of a group project. In retaliation, you’ll secretly absorb some of your coworkers’
lunch next week.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be quite
embarrassed after an unfortunate deck stain- ing accident leaves a significant portion of your work pants browned. After realizing the mistake, you’ll apologize to the neighbors.
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