Cancer (6/22-7/22) — I know you may disagree, but some believe Tom Cruise is the greatest actor of his generation. “Feel the need” as he shines in perhaps his most iconic role as Maverick in “Top Gun” at the Saenger Theatre July 22. You win the Nappie Award for best personality.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll feel like a piece of trash after a miscommunication leads you to get salty with a friend. Rather than apologize, try blending in by floating along the surface of Dog River. You win the Nappie Award for best umbrella etiquette.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Using a slice of hot dog for bait, you’ll break the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo record when you haul in a 9-pound croaker. You still won’t keep it. You win the Nappie Award for earliest regular brunch patron.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — More than a little misguided, you’ll roll into Mobile Baykeeper’s Bay Bites food truck fest with fresh tortillas, beans and a sterno stove on your tailgate. You win the Nappie Award for combining all the Nappie Award finalists’ burgers into one amazing burger.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Without the reassurance of negative campaign ads, you’ll have a hard time falling asleep without Will Ainsworth singing you his “Twinkle, Twinkle, big swamp star” song. You win the Nappie Award for knowing when to take the Bayway and when to take the Causeway.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Trying your hand at pole vaulting this weekend during the Dauphin Street Vault, you’ll launch yourself into an oak tree and discover a nest of albino squirrels. You win the Nappie Award for dodging puddles in the right lane in midtown.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Hearing that the Mobile Police Department is cracking down on homeless people with criminal records, you’ll make an effort to avoid a confrontation by dressing better and laying low. You win the Nappie Award for most money spent on boutique oysters.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll send a letter of confidence to State Auditor Jim Zeigler, reassuring him that he can scam any legal client, as long as he keeps holding other crooks accountable. You win the Nappie Award for harnessing excess humidity for potable water.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll chain yourself to a popcorn tree to protest the state’s plan to build a controversial new bridge over the Intracoastal Waterway. You win the Nappie Award for quickly neutralizing nematocysts in jellyfish stings.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll take advantage of the Baldwin County sales tax holiday to purchase truckloads of index cards and dry erase markers. You win the Nappie Award for yelling “yeet” into a microphone.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll crash the Alabama Press Association’s annual conference demanding to meet an employee of The Call News you only know as “Top Button Terry.” You win the Nappie Award for being the most consistent and reliable source of news for idiots.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — To avoid getting on the wrong side of Sheriff Sam Cochran, you’ll turn in your fake constable badge and water gun and resign from your side gig as a funeral escort. You win the Nappie Award for eventually trying all flavors of chicken wings.