Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You will be disappointed to discover two people can’t Snapchat each other using instant film technology. But you can add “filters” on the photos with markers and send them to others via raven. You win a Nappie Award for Pretty Effective With Coupons.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll lose your lunch after your first ride on OWA’s new roller coaster Rollin’ Thunder. You’ll recover your composure with a smoothie and granola bar before riding the teacups and Sky Balloons. You win a Nappie Award for Kinda Predictable.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll cause a brief panic when you yell “SHARK!” on Dauphin Island this weekend. It will take a few moments for people to realize you’re just really excited about the fishing rodeo. You win a Nappie Award for A Little Doughy.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll binge-eat at Bay Bites food truck festival next week. After devouring all of the Crepe Crusader’s chicken and waffles, you’ll drain Grillbillies of their entire supply of pulled pork and Conecuh sausage. You win a Nappie Award for Enthusiastic Greetings.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You will press the flesh at the Nappie Awards after party, and I’m not talking about handshakes. You’ll fail to set the Guinness World Record for longest motorboating on a single breath, but take solace knowing you’ll win a Nappie Award for Gentleman Scholar.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When you fail to secure fresh red snapper for your dinner party, you’ll resort to dyeing frozen catfish pink. Diners won’t even notice the difference, so it might be the perfect opportunity to pass off your leftover pig anus as calamari. You win a Nappie Award for Denim Queen.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Acting on a hunch based on mere seconds of irrational thought, you will fill your gas tank with pecan husks as an alternative fuel. Once the resulting mechanical failures are repaired, you’ll try again with peanut shells. You win a Nappie Award for Uncomfortable Silences.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll feel like you’ve broken every bone after a visit to a trampoline park, but you’ll find work as a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man at Al Harrington’s Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. You win the Nappie Award for Migos Say What?
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be arrested for violating the cruising ordinance while trying to find a parking space before the Nappie Awards. To deter similar behavior, the judge will incarcerate you in a room lined with Ed Sheeran posters. You win a Nappie Award for Snappiest Ginger Snaps.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You will be carried away by an aggressive of swarm of mosquitos who will hold you hostage until you give them a bootleg copy of the new Jay Z album. You win a Nappie Award for Effortless.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll play the role of “Dr. Nipslip,” a credentialed physician with two-sided tape tasked with preventing embarrasing wardrobe malfunctions. But after an incident at the pool, you’ll be known as “Dr. Ballfall.” You win a Nappie Award for Having Killed A Mockingbird.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll turn over the latest stone in the Trump-Russia investigation when you discover Jared Kushner once watched the Trololo video. You win a Nappie Award for Oh, That Guy.