Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll spend a rainy day indoors binge-watching martial arts films. You’ll practice your one-inch punch and order an Ultimate Waffle Stack at the International House of Bruce.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll have a tough time deciding which color lingerie to purchase. You’ll briefly ponder body image and order a Southwest Scramble at the International House of Boobs.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll incubate some eggs in hopes of hatching your first backyard chickens. Before you know it, you’ll have a pet cow and pig, both eligible for inclusion in a Colorado Omelette at the International House of Barns.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be rightly skeptical of President Trump’s cozy relationship with Kim Jong-un. You won’t cancel plans to build a doomsday bunker and you’ll enjoy some Classic Breakfast Crepes at the International House of Bulls*t.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be invited to deliver the invocation at the Fairhope City Council meeting and lead the mayor and council in singing “Kumbaya.” You won’t accomplish anything but it’s OK because you’re about to enjoy a Smokehouse Combo from the International House of Brotherhood.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll travel to South Mobile County to partake in the annual Taste of the Bayou. Fresh Alabama seafood is great and all, but it’s nothing compared to a Tilapia Florentine from the International House of Bait.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll emerge from a brief dip in Mobile Bay with an earache and lightly spotted skin. It’s nothing that can’t be cured with a few rounds of antibiotics and a Slider Trio from the International House of Bacteria.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll try to gain some street cred by getting a face tattoo and releasing your first rap video. You’ll be accused of cultural appropriation but will wash down the haters with a Strawberry ‘N Creme Pancake Combo at the International House of Beckys.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll take your vows and join the clergy in an attempt to redeem your faith. Joking, it’s actually just to freshen up your wardrobe before Halloween. You’ll order a single slice of ham at the International House of Bishops.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll spend hours at a $10 per month gym in the hopes of reclaiming your beach body this summer. Impressed with your progress, you’ll treat your date to the Mega Monster at the International House of Babes.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll celebrate a promotion at work by upgrading your bottom-shelf beer to something from the middle. You still won’t have an option to order an IPA with your Philly Cheese Steak Stacker at the International House of Brews.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Having washed all your towels with bleach, you’ll finally rid your household of a hyper contagious strain of impetigo. Too bad you didn’t buy stock options along with your Roasted Turkey & Fixings at the International House of Band-Aids.