Pisces (2/19-3/20) — When a gust of wind blows your kite into a tree, you’ll be mistaken for the Crichton leprechaun and featured on the 6 o’clock news. The fervor will only die down after Mr. Willie’s ice cream truck drives down the street. Da gold is in a Bomb Pop.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — To stick it to the man, you’ll pay your exorbitant Spire gas bill in pennies but miscount and leave them a few cents short. They’ll charge you a $50 late fee. Da gold is in renewable energy.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Being not of Irish descent, you’ll opt to observe St. Vincent’s Day this weekend, celebrating the ethereal music of Annie Clark. You’ll drink green tea and eat corned tofu hash. Da gold is in her self-titled 2014 album.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll attend Company 11’s production of “The Vagina Monologues” with some hoo-ha stories of your own. Like that one time you went to the garden store and all you came back with was a Penis Fly Trap. Da gold is in performance arts.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Displeased with the quality of your horoscopes lately, you’ll begin to have your palm read weekly instead. The space between your heart line and your head line indicates you should give your significant other a break. Da gold is in a healthy relationship.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Just when you thought you had enough rhubarb pie, you’ll attend “A Night with Garrison Keillor” at the Saenger Theatre. You’ll feel a little violated when someone gives you a pat on the back. Da gold is in the #metoo movement.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll get your fill of religious extremism at Everything is Terrible!’s “The Great Satan” this weekend and decide to skip Easter this year. You’ll still find the golden egg. Inside is a chocolate starfish. Da gold is in Joshua Cane’s impressive body of work.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You roll your ankle at the Spring Fever Chase but carry on with your injury and win like Tom Brady in the AFC title game. You’d relax with a cool dip in Mobile Bay but Fairhope still hasn’t fixed its sewage spill problem. Da gold is in functional infrastructure.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll polish up your resume to be considered for the superintendent of Mobile’s rumored city school system. Your 3.2 GPA doesn’t look well on its own, but it’s better than most students in Mobile County. Da gold is in math and science.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You usually take a stand against cultural appropriation unless it involves bottomless beer, so you’ll blend right in with the pale-face pseudo-Irish celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this weekend. Da gold is in finding yourself.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Hearing that crawfish prices continue to fall, you stock your freezer with 50 pounds to save for a rainy day. Years from now when you clean out your freezer, you’ll wonder what in the hell you were thinking. Da gold is in eating out.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll come up empty-handed looking for a neoclassical painting to adorn your foyer at the Fairhope Arts & Crafts Festival this weekend. However, you’ll add another flounder print to your bathroom gallery. Da gold is in interior decorators.
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