Sadly, it seems like we are gearing up for our very own political season of “The Bachelor: Alabama,” where our Republican primary candidates for U.S. Senate will be vying for a rose, but more importantly, the love, affection, endorsement and Twitter smooches of one 72-year-old man known as President Donald J. Trump.
Rep. Bradley Byrne, the first candidate who officially entered the race, has already positioned himself as far to the right as I have ever seen him go politically and as Trump’s number one supporter.
Former Auburn Coach Tommy Tuberville announced his candidacy a few weeks ago. Some moderate Republicans, who were particularly put off by Byrne’s somewhat newfound devotion, wondered if Tubs would position himself more in the middle, or if he too would jump in the race to see who could blow the most sunshine up the president’s ass.
On Monday, we got our answer when Tuberville went on Fox News and proclaimed his love for DJT and also threw some shade at his only “Bachelor” opponent at the moment, Byrne.
“Well, first of all — you know, I’m going to support President Trump,” Tuberville said. “I supported him from day one. I’m the only candidate in this race who supported him in this last election. I believe in him. He has a great work ethic. You know, the guy is a winner. And the things that he’s done — we need people to stand behind him — in the Senate, in Congress to help him get his agenda through.”
Byrne, who like most normal, reasonable Republicans did at the time, called for Trump to suspend his candidacy after the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape emerged where our now-president spoke of some of the advantages celebrities like himself have, like you know, being able to go up to women and grab them by their, well, you know. Classy.
Of course, Byrne eventually had to walk that back because somehow even our sweet, old grandmothers who quilt and go to church every Sunday and would weep for months if any of us ever said anything even remotely that vile wrote it off as “locker room talk.”
We are living in strange times.
I understand why Byrne and Tubs and anyone else who gets in this race has made the calculation they must pledge devotion to this guy. Trump’s followers are absolutely mesmerized by the man and in blood-red Alabama, they need those primary voters to get elected. It’s just simple math.
And even if they have to take a shower at night after the verbal love-making they must engage in with Trump, they reason it’s all for a bigger purpose. “Once I get elected, I won’t have to do this, and I can get great things done for the great people of Alabama (the very ones who forced me into being this man’s bootlicker)!”
Ironically, this kind of behavior is exactly how Trump got elected. People were sick of inauthenticity. But now candidates are morphing themselves into something they are not, so they can get the votes of the people who hated candidates who morphed themselves into something they were not.
Again, we are living in very strange times.
But can you imagine just how ridiculous this “Who is the Trumpiest contest?” could get when a few more candidates jump in the race? Oh my God. It’s going to be bile inducing. I don’t care if you love, love, love Trump or just tolerate him because of your tax cuts and Supreme Court justices, watching grown men grovel is gross. Especially ones who are smart, talented and accomplished in their own rights. And you know he is going to burn all but one of them, and then it’s just going to be even sadder for the ones who don’t get the rose.
But if this is the direction we are going in (and I fear it is), I have crafted some campaign love letters for each of the candidates to use to win the president’s favor.
Here you go, candidates. You may use these free of charge.
Dearest President Trump, my name is Bradley Byrne
And being the next U.S. Senator, well, it’s finally my turn
I come from South Alabama with its shores of sugary white sands
Endorse me, and I’ll tell the world it’s not true what they say about small hands
I have done many great things for this state
And I’ll do whatever it takes to win, I’m sure you can relate
My dear prez, I can assure you I have the experience and the stones
To beat that socialist, baby-killing, Democrat Doug Jones
Dearest President Trump, it’s me Coach Tubs
Let’s win this thing and celebrate with a bottle of your delicious Trump brand bubs
I coached the Tigers but can play for your folks on Fox
Plus, I’ve got your man Spicey on my team and he rocks
If it’s more of that locker room talk you want, I’m your guy
But I draw the line at banging porn stars, I cannot lie
Seriously, though, I need your help, my man
I figure you may play better to the average Roll Tide fan
Just give me a little help with them and you will see
I am the one to lead us to sweet victory!
War Eagle or Roll Tide, I just need you by my side!
Dearest President Trump, it’s me ol’ Roy
I’m not sure if I’m jumping in yet, I like to be coy
Since you endorsed me even when I was accused of being a pedophile
I figured you must like my smooth, cowboy style
I know you like polls and I was leading this thing in the last one
Maybe this time, I wouldn’t even have to pull out my tiny, little gun
I know I let you down before, but the “fake news” made me a pariah
With your help, I could have a second coming, just like the Messiah
So, dearest people (who aren’t Roy Moore) running for Senate, on second thought, these MAY not work with the president. But I really do think what will work with the Alabama electorate is to just run on your accomplishments and what you are going to do to help this state. And just be you, for God’s sake! Seeing who can slobber the most on Trump is just going to make us all want to vomit on our ballots.
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