Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With the return of warmer weather, you’ll put on some too-short shorts and accidentally expose yourself during a bike ride. “I thought it felt a little breezy in here.” You win a bronze medal in cracking cliché jokes about curling.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll celebrate Mobile’s Spanish heritage at Tomatopalooza by incorporating elements from La Tomatina. You still don’t separate your whites from your colors in the wash. Your high score in micromanaging will be marred by allegations of doping.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — During a litter clean-up of One Mile Creek with Mobile Baykeeper this weekend, you’ll briefly consider pocketing a sealed pack of ramen noodles. No one can accuse you of not being thrifty. A slow-motion replay of your careless missteps will go viral.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll escape from a dull conversation by pulling off a frontside 900, followed by a backside 360, topped with a double cork 1260. You perfect your snow angel technique in the sands of Gulf Shores.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Growing tired of your boring old wardrobe, you’ll take style cues from Johnny Weir. You’ll be crowned the next queen of Mardi Gras. Your sassiness will earn a sponsorship offer from Snapple.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll grow bushy mutton chops in an effort to win a James “Beard” Award. You’ll embark on a three-week food truck diet. Your life can be described as a neverending downhill slalom.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll get meat sweats at the inaugural Vegan Chili Cook-off at Serda’s Brewery. After you bathe in the fermentation tanks, they’ll be forced to rename their porter “Rear Slop.” You’ll speed skate your way out of an undesirable relationship.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by the film “Black Panther,” you’ll claim to be the true King of Wakanda. But we all know you’re really just a peasant in Wakoffda. Judges will award mixed scores of your finesse.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Perplexed by the origins of the midtown odor, you’ll follow your instincts and implicate the entire 36608 ZIP code. It’s true what they say: Sh*t rolls down Spring Hill. You’ll lobby Congress to force biathletes to use water guns.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be disappointed to miss out in qualifying for the winter Olympics when you bring water skis to a cross-country skiing competition. You’ll obviously finish dead last, but you’ll smelt some low-quality gold and make a medal of your own.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After picking up lunch from the dozens of Mardi Gras food stands near your office, you develop an addiction to Conecuh sausage and funnel cakes. At least you’ll have no problem qualifying for the summer Olympics dead lift competition.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Eager to get ahead in life, you’ll enroll in Tony Kennon’s School of Proper Manners. Then you’ll attend a Mardi Gras ball under a giant Confederate flag. You finish in last place for obnoxiously taking vertically oriented cellphone videos.