Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Never much of shopper, you should stop procrastinating and start working through your Christmas gift list. Buy something for yourself first. You’ll write in “Seasonal Affective Disorder” on your Senate election ballot.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Searching for greener pastures far away from political influence, you should begin by separating your “keepers” from “disposables” in preparation for an upcoming yard sale. You’ll write in “moving to Colorado” on your Senate election ballot.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In the spirit of Christmas, every time you emerge from a bathroom this month you’ll proclaim “Sh*tter’s full!” in a joke that is surely to never grow old. You’ll write in “that kid with a lisp from ‘Stranger Things’” on your Senate election ballot.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With the proliferation of sexual misconduct allegations, you’d be wise to decline kissing anyone under the mistletoe this year. While you’re at it, you should also stop pointing out cameltoe. You’ll write in “MoonPie Drop” on your Senate election ballot.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You should strive to have the work ethic of late Wintzell’s Chief Oyster Shucker Willie Brown. But it may be particularly difficult to balance with your primary motto: “it’s five o’clock somewhere.” You’ll write in “legalize it” on your Senate election ballot.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll break your big toe attempting to pirouette to the tune of “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” Afterward, someone buys you a new pair of shoes, Christmas shoes. You’ll write in “fake news” on your Senate election ballot.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll barely be interested in the College Football Playoff this year since it’s evident THE MAN controls everything and THE MAN has no interest in letting you, the little guy, get ahead in life. You’ll write in “THE MAN” on your Senate election ballot.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Disappointed once again that spare change weighs far more than it is actually worth, you’ll use rolled coins to purchase a gaming headset and ergonomic gaming chairs for your boo. You’ll write in “flash sale” on your Senate election ballot.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be visited by the Petty Ghost of Christmas Past, who’ll remind you to atone for those times you sampled grapes in the supermarket and blocked someone’s view at the Saenger Theatre. You’ll write in “Super PAC” on your Senate election ballot.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — For a uniquely Mobile Christmas decoration, you’ll make a wreath out of discarded hair weaves salvaged from area roads. It’ll complement your tinsel made out of cigarette butts. You’ll write in “reduce, reuse, recycle” on your Senate election ballot.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You go boujee this Christmas when you purchase only locally sourced gifts sustainably produced with organic materials from an artisanal cooperative. No refunds, no returns. You’ll write in “the good ol’ days” on your Senate election ballot.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll insist on celebrating an extra day of Christmas this year so you can incorporate the lyric “13 Songs by Fugazi” into “12 Days of Christmas.” As expected, crickets. You’ll write in “a horse’s ass” on your Senate election ballot.
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